逃避

我想逃。

可以吗？




接下来的两个星期六，我可以逃离案发现场吗？

我很累，我不想再逼自己去面对。

我讨厌看到我不想看见的画面。
我讨厌你，讨厌你们。



允许我离开，可以吗？

Mum

Mum,

If i died young, this is the message that i left for you, i know you cant understand, but i know there will be people read this to you and translate it to you.

Ma, no matter how many times you throw my things away before you get my agreement; no matter how hard you scold me about the mindset that you have; no matter how many times you slap me on my face. it doesnt matter, you are still my mother.

again and again, i keep on repeating about the work that God has given to me, it might be very very small, and it doesnt even really count as 'a matter' in your eyes. but again and again i beg you, dont assume yuke bin is the reason that i choose to serve there, i told you for many many times, it may be yes for previously, but not now, not anymore. he is not a reason for me to be there every saturday since year 2010. i had let go of it, why cant you?

Ma, the reason i be there is i can see myself grow and learn to love people. not because of the broken bgr that u thought. i have told you for so many times, but yet, you still insisted it is. i am glad that i was born in a Christian family, and i also thank God for the things that He tought me through CMC throughout the years. i believe He has prepared me for a greater purpose, why cant you stand up and look a bit further and have a little faith?

there are so many things that i told you to make you understand, but everytime you will end up shouted at me and say i abondoned you. i am trying not to, because i know you only have 1 child, which is me. i did not forget that, i am trying my best to do things that i can with the ability that i have, but you demands me to follow exactly every single word you said, when i choose not to obey, then you will start to scold me and angry at me.

Ma, i just want to let you know, whatever i do there is not for the sake of my own self or some other reasons that you thought of. i do it because of God, for His people. i am just a tiny worker that God willing to use. everytime you scold me about car, you said i fetch other people more than i fetch you, and you also said if dad didnt pay the deposit, how can i get the car. when i answer you that this car is a gift from God, and if God didnt allow me to have one, then anyhow i wont get it. but you wasnt agree with me. you think i am stupid, wasted petrol money to fetch people without asking back money. yes i am that stupid, i believe God gave me enough grace to serve His people.

I am sorry that i did not follow everything that you said; i am sorry that i became a rebellion daughter in your eyes; i am sorry that i did not listen to you about which church i should go to; i am sorry that i broke your heart when i tell you i choose there instead of go back to CMC; i am so sorry for everything.


your daughter,
pei wen

Your will??

Lord, if this is Your Will,

then let Your Will be done.

Tho many trials and troubles are coming my way,
but Lord, help me to set my heart on You.

Family is a big struggle to me,

Lord, i know You knew it well.

if this is Your Will,

then im sure You will open a way.

Life

I had a great time today with my besties, you girls had brighten up my day.
although i didnt share anything about my another side of emotion,
but i think its still the best for tonight,
because i know that if i said,
it will spoil the whole atmosphere...

~Seoul Garden~

nice and not bad to eat,

next time wanna go again

* rou darling next time we go k? ^^ *

my besties of my uni life

although we seldom contact after we graduated

but we know and we understand that true friendship will last
we learn to accept each other's weaknesses in the past 4 years

so, that is what makes us always stay together. =)

today, my emotion is in calm condition, compare to yesterday.

yesterday i was so tempted to update blog,

but i didnt type out any word,

for i know when i get emotions,

i will non stop writing and i dont care anything,

just type out everything in my heart.

at last, i overcame the temptation of update blog in bad emotion.

i am very happy when i know my friends around are protecting me,

they are just like the angels that God had sent to me.

i really thank God that He sent them.

to those who read my blog, here are my words for you:

sin huey & pui mun: thanks for knocking the door, but im sorry that i rejected your care at that time. coz i dont think i able to talk. if that time i start to speak, i will fail to control myself.

sin huey: thanks for being there for me when i needed to talk, thanks for keep assuring me that im not alone.

james: thanks for sms-ed with me when i ran away, thanks for calling me to go back, thanks for encouraging me. all these while, thanks for keep reminding me not to skip my qt as im not able to skip. XD

rou: thanks for blocking in front of me, it maybe look funny but i appreciated that. thanks for understands me just at the moment when you saw my face, i know you are not good in comforting people, but you use ur supporting action to support me, thank you.

nic: you are always stand behind me and support me, and thanks for spending time with me. i enjoy going out with u and henri, coz its so special that my 2 older brothers are protecting me, its so comfortable. no ned to hide, no ned to wear mask, jus be myself.

irene: your padding on my shoulder shown how much u cared for me, thank you.

dear all, i promise that i will be stronger,

by His grace that i could continue living,

so live a life for Him but not myself.

有些话我想说，

可不可以不要再伤害我？

我已经很努力地去忘记。

为什么总是要我从你口中再次听见那些我曾经从你口中听过的承诺？

我曾经陪你走过你最落魄的日子，

我曾经陪你走过日晒雨淋的日子，

我曾经陪你走过那些难熬的日子。

你刚买屋子的时候，那间屋子是多么的零乱和肮脏，

十年没有住人的屋子，里面的灰尘是多么地厚。

我鼻子敏感，有灰尘的地方我会一直打喷嚏，

可是我还是在那段期间，到那间屋子收拾垃圾，

弄得满脸灰尘，满手黑黑的。

收拾之后，就要开始洗屋子，

你可否记得我刷厨房的时候，被tina水弄到手脱皮，

拿刷子刷到指甲裂开，被割伤等等等等。

还有很多其他的事件，可是我不想要再提了。

可是你记得吗？一点点有吗？

我不要求你记得全部，我只要求你可以记得一点点，

记得我曾经的付出，然后不要再伤害我，

就这样简单而已。

用我曾经的付出来还换取你一点点的良心，

只要求你不要再伤害我，这样不过分吧！

要亲密，请滚到远远去。

请不要在我眼前，亲亲我我，抱来抱去。

请不要在大庭广众跟另一个女人说出那些你曾经对我说过的承诺，

从你的口中听两遍，而且是说给两个不同的人听，令我觉得恶心。

如果我妨碍了你们，请告诉我，我会直接离开petra，

回去我原来的生活，就当我从来没有跟winnie来过petra,

从来没有认识过你，更从来没有在一间叫petra的教会事奉过。

Its for you, my girl

Dear Huey,

When i saw u cry, i also feel like crying with you, but i know that i cannot, because i need to be strong enough to be a supporter to you.
you told me that you are forced to, dear, lets keep this in prayer.
if in the end, there is no willingness in everything u do, i believe God will do something about it. He always want us to serve Him in our joyful heart, if joy is absent in our serving, its all in vain afterall.

girl, i know that you will never listen to whatever i said. as i also telling the same thing over n over again to you, but it just cannot go to the point in your heart.

i really hope that you will try not to 'zhuan niu jiao jian' in this matter as soon as possible.
like the movie we jus watched few days ago, many things is just needed a first step,
in order to move forward, just the first step, then God will do the rest.

Charlie have been stucked in the promise for 5 years, his life is much more better after he took the first step to overcome the fear and to accept the fact.

God gave us chances, to repent, to be a better person. everything happened is not for fun,
it always has a purpose. dont let the pain stops u of seeing the purpose.
just like dont look at the single piece of puzzle and ignored the whole picture that the puzzle pieces are going to form.

everything happen in our life is like the pieces of puzzle, we need to get all the pieces,
put them all together, arrange it and put it according to where it should to be placed,
then only we can see the whole picture. isnt it?

here i wanna dedicate a song to you, this song actually helps me go through when i was so so so down. this song remind me of having faith in Jesus, our Lord.
Faith is not an easy word, it needed decisions and willingness. faith is like the process of picking up puzzle pieces and gathering them together, trying to arrange them without having a peak on the whole picture where it suppose to look like. its jus as simple as that, the first step that we got to take, on ourselves' willingness.

Jesus will still be there by Point Of Grace

Things change Plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise Hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day

When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as a steady rain

Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

Time flies Hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes Weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again

When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

曾经说好的梦想呢？

这是我说再见的方式。

总结我们的故事， 900多的日子的故事。
其实，我恨你，我恨你对我如此残酷；我讨厌你的多情；我厌恶你同时拥有几个女人。

我说了，这是我说再见的方式。这个故事，已经结束了。
所以，就以这样的方式让它结束。
因此，我默认，你只是我生命里的其中一环；也是上帝要我学习的功课。

一个人生里面重要的功课。

这是我们第一张合照。2007

地点：Times Square 欢喜地

这是我们最喜欢的合照。2008

地点：Mid Valley Jusco 更衣室外面

地点：SS13 - 2008 新年

地点：云顶 Outdoor Theme Park 2008

在等待老爷车的到来，无聊时所拍的照片。

这是我们曾经相爱的证据。

看清楚，曾经。
所以现在已不复存在了。

地点：宿舍房间 2007

这是我们第一次一起参加婚礼晚宴。


地点: Gohtong Jaya - Family Camp 2008 - ShangHai Night


地点：Eagle Ranch - Camp Transformation 2008
我们曾经熬夜弄好7仔的头盔；
满手棉花浆糊；
熬夜缝衣服时被针刺到手指等等等等。
这是回忆。


地点: Petra Gospel Center
2009 Benaiah's Sketch
这是我们扮演夫妻的角色。
第一次，也是最后一次。

地点：Mid Valley 2009

我的21岁生日。

我没有得到我期待的惊喜。

是我的遗憾，也是我自己自找的。

因为我在你身上的有太多的期待。

你安排的不多，可是谢谢你曾经用心地想安排些什么。

到最后，是我们身边的朋友安排的。

地点：金马伦 2009

新年与家人出游时拍的。

地点：云顶 Theme Park 2008

这是我们第一次单独出门游玩。
有很多有趣的回忆。
都只是回忆了。


事件：Song Fest 7 - 2009
谢谢有你的鼓励和陪伴。
谢谢有你跟我一起分享这一份喜悦。
谢谢你在我缺乏信心的时候，对我说的话。
谢谢你当时的真心。

地点：Full House 牛车水 2009

当时我们拍了很多白痴的照片，
这张是比较正常的。


地点：Butterfly Park 金马伦　2009 - Company Trip


地点：Butterfly Park 金马伦　2009 - Company Trip

地点：KLCC - Aquaria 2009
这一张应该是我们最后几张合照了。

地点：Sungai Gabai - Benaiah Outing 2009
当时的你，脚趾受伤。

地点：Baskin Robbin Queen's Park - 31/10/2009
这是我们最后一次一起吃冰淇淋了。

十个月了，时间过得真的很快。

快得令我害怕，心慌。

没有你的日子，刚开始的时候真得很不好过。

其一，不舍；其二，不甘；其三，愤怒。

不舍的是两年半悉心经营的感情宣告结束。

不甘的是你竟然在超短的时间内开始新恋情。

愤怒的是你对我不公平的对待。

现在，觉得自己很笨，你已经向前走了十个月。

而我却在原地踏步，停留在十个月以前。

我们，已经有了十个月的距离。

所以，我决定要停止原地踏步。

这一篇文章，是我向前走的第一步。

把过去的归纳在一起，打包然后锁在心底。

这样，我才可以空出我的心，迎接未来要面对的事情。

再见了，我们曾经说好的梦想，就让它停留在当下。

成为回忆的养分，为回忆作最后的滋养。

过去的让它过去，留恋也无法挽留些什么。

请原谅我无法祝福你。

即使到了你结婚的那一天。

我也无法给你祝福。

所以，一切有关你人生的重大事件，我，都会缺席。

你，我，结束了。

成了这故事的句点。

心

我狠不下心。
如果我需要离开，请教我如何离开。

如果我离开，我的生活会有180度的转变。
少了大家。我承受得起吗？

我自问，我不行。

为什么没有两全其美的方法？
我求了三年，到最后为什么还要选择？

对不起，原谅我的任性。我不想选择。




我不要选择。

what is the best?

if i give up. i will lose everything i have in these 3 years
if i stay. i will continue to be tired in adjusting both side
if i come over. i will be a daughter that not honouring parent
so? what is the best?

烦

这几天我的脑海正在进行第二次世界大战，乱得我快晕了，压得我喘不过气。

从一开始，想起他，回忆像电影般重演。慢慢，发现自己原来利用她来取代他，对她有深深的愧疚，开始害怕这一段友谊，会对她造成负担。想要离开，惊觉原来我放不下这三年所结交的弟兄姐妹。

有一股冲动要离开，回去我原来的地方，回到过去的生活圈子。因为，我累了。每个星期天，看见诗班在台上唱歌，有一股声音轻轻地在我耳边响起，你不是应该在台上的吗？为什么你坐在这里？我的心，有满满的愧疚。原来，我没有给上帝我的最好。

我应该回去吗？虽然我回去了之后，父母会很开心，因为不会再有人指指点点，也没有人在谈话之间话中有话，令我的父母为难。但是，我放不下我的朋友们，如果我回去，我就失去了现在拥有的友谊。

上帝似乎要我回去，他让我看见，回去了之后，可以加入青团，参加堂会诗班，上青年主日学等等。可是，我不敢尝试，我不敢放手。单纯的只是因为，我害怕失去。

是时候了

我知道我那突如其来的一番话，肯定让某个人吓着了，她口里一定在念，这是什么乱七八糟的东西，乱搞一堆有的没的。


我忽然觉悟，我不适合有太要好的朋友或情人，因为我会慢慢变成依赖。
我比较适合独来独往。









是时候，抽身离开了。