I.
Hate.
Myself.
For.
Looking.
At.
You.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
悲哀
有一段时间没有写东西了，主要是因为最近发生很多事情，情绪起起伏伏，写不出什么好东西。
近来，发现身边的人，很多都活在一个自我幻想的世界里面，实在是悲哀啊！
回头想想，我自己也曾经如此的悲哀，活在自己想要拥有的世界里面。幻想着这是最美好的，把一些不会成真的东西看得比自己还重要。
空虚的空虚，一切都是空虚，这是所罗门王说的。他拥有一切他想要的东西，可是到最后，他发现，这一切都是空虚的。
一人不能侍候两个主人，它其实不只是指金钱，其实是在说我们个人所认为的完美世界或你所认定的人生中心点。
因此，人啊！定睛仰望十架吧！十架上的宝血可以帮助你把你自己所创造的世界丢掉，然后把你人生的目的专注在十架上。
近来，发现身边的人，很多都活在一个自我幻想的世界里面，实在是悲哀啊！
回头想想，我自己也曾经如此的悲哀，活在自己想要拥有的世界里面。幻想着这是最美好的，把一些不会成真的东西看得比自己还重要。
空虚的空虚，一切都是空虚，这是所罗门王说的。他拥有一切他想要的东西，可是到最后，他发现，这一切都是空虚的。
一人不能侍候两个主人，它其实不只是指金钱，其实是在说我们个人所认为的完美世界或你所认定的人生中心点。
因此，人啊！定睛仰望十架吧！十架上的宝血可以帮助你把你自己所创造的世界丢掉，然后把你人生的目的专注在十架上。
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Unacceptable
Unacceptable facts has been revealed to me recently.
I found out that all these while i was been deceived by the satan, but I still want to give thanks to the Lord that He prepared me mentally before He reveal the truth to me. if i knew it years ago, i might already commit suicide.
but, by His grace and mercy, He sustained me throughout the years. day by day He mould me, He trained me, He thought me, He guided me, He prepared me for this unacceptable event. He prepared me for it.
He knows everything.
again, i sincerely pray that God will carry me to walk this path of sorrow and pain with me. He loves me eventhough i am not worthy at all. His love is everlasting, powerful over all other things. have faith! i told myself.
I found out that all these while i was been deceived by the satan, but I still want to give thanks to the Lord that He prepared me mentally before He reveal the truth to me. if i knew it years ago, i might already commit suicide.
but, by His grace and mercy, He sustained me throughout the years. day by day He mould me, He trained me, He thought me, He guided me, He prepared me for this unacceptable event. He prepared me for it.
He knows everything.
again, i sincerely pray that God will carry me to walk this path of sorrow and pain with me. He loves me eventhough i am not worthy at all. His love is everlasting, powerful over all other things. have faith! i told myself.
Monday, December 27, 2010
2011 Excitement =S
Wow! 2011 is just 4 days away. =S
today, i went to my new company to sign offer letter, before i sign the letter, they required me to go to their company clinic to do a pre-employment body check up. i kinda worried about the result, because i scared my body got problem due to 22 years of anti-vege. but, guess what? doc said i am healthy... XD
so i returned to the company to meet the HR assistant, she gave me few documents to read, after i read, she brief me for the important things, lastly sign the documents, and initial the every page. ><
this is the first time i am going to work in listed company, its a BIG company for me. =S
well, 2011 is a total new year for me, new challenges - no matter in work, in church, even in family.
for work, i know i got a lot of things that i need to learn, because its a industry that i never involved before. 6 months probation period, every leave that i take will be unpaid leave, i now start to worried about camp, dont know whether they will approve so many days of unpaid leave or not.
for church, a new role for me, slowly i learned about the importance of a life. last time, i wasnt that willing to get involved to another person's life, because its troublesome. when i was a president in MI fellowship, i just think it is a responsibility, and i need to do things that i needed to. i dont care about what is the reason that another person leave church or stop coming to fellowship, i wont ask or find out when i see some people is not happy. but God taught me all these lessons step by step, He taught me to care for others. He is amazing! by feeling the burdens of others and sharing the burdens with them, is the main source that He taught me to look into other's life and take it seriously. thats why i always believe, God will show me the purpose when the lessons is over and learned.
for family, commited to meetings and trainings is a big struggle for me, there is nothing i can do, only can pray that my mum will understands me and support me about doing His work. i can foresee the coming days, my mum will keep repeat her anger towards this matter again and again. by that time, i just can ask God for His grace again and again, to help me go through every single one of it.
so, 2011, i looked forward to it. it will be a great step in life when its over, and i am sure i have a lot more lessons to learn along the way.
today, i went to my new company to sign offer letter, before i sign the letter, they required me to go to their company clinic to do a pre-employment body check up. i kinda worried about the result, because i scared my body got problem due to 22 years of anti-vege. but, guess what? doc said i am healthy... XD
so i returned to the company to meet the HR assistant, she gave me few documents to read, after i read, she brief me for the important things, lastly sign the documents, and initial the every page. ><
this is the first time i am going to work in listed company, its a BIG company for me. =S
well, 2011 is a total new year for me, new challenges - no matter in work, in church, even in family.
for work, i know i got a lot of things that i need to learn, because its a industry that i never involved before. 6 months probation period, every leave that i take will be unpaid leave, i now start to worried about camp, dont know whether they will approve so many days of unpaid leave or not.
for church, a new role for me, slowly i learned about the importance of a life. last time, i wasnt that willing to get involved to another person's life, because its troublesome. when i was a president in MI fellowship, i just think it is a responsibility, and i need to do things that i needed to. i dont care about what is the reason that another person leave church or stop coming to fellowship, i wont ask or find out when i see some people is not happy. but God taught me all these lessons step by step, He taught me to care for others. He is amazing! by feeling the burdens of others and sharing the burdens with them, is the main source that He taught me to look into other's life and take it seriously. thats why i always believe, God will show me the purpose when the lessons is over and learned.
for family, commited to meetings and trainings is a big struggle for me, there is nothing i can do, only can pray that my mum will understands me and support me about doing His work. i can foresee the coming days, my mum will keep repeat her anger towards this matter again and again. by that time, i just can ask God for His grace again and again, to help me go through every single one of it.
so, 2011, i looked forward to it. it will be a great step in life when its over, and i am sure i have a lot more lessons to learn along the way.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
一颗心
最近，身边有太多太多的事情发生了。
今天早上的事情，让我一整天的心情都不好受。
到了傍晚，我的心里越来越重，压得我想哭。
所以就决定插手，亲自打电话并主动去了解。
回家的路上，我一直在自责，因为忽然觉得自己好像很多事，也自己骂自己，为什么没事找事来烦，把自己搞到好像这个又关我事，那个又关我事。
慢慢开始回想这几个月里，到底把多少个人的烦恼往身上扛，忽然想起一件很好笑的事，为什么我的头脑可以记得别人的烦恼，可是却忘记了自己要做的事情？难道我把脑海的空位统统装满了别人的烦恼？= ='''
这也许是神给我的恩赐，祂给我一颗细小的心，让我能看见细小的事。
谢谢祂，给我这样的一颗心。
谢谢祂，给我一双愿意倾听的耳朵。
谢谢祂，教导我如何去感受别人的感受。
谢谢祂，给我足够的恩典。
否则，我觉得我已经发疯了。
在我们的生命里面，总有起起落落的时候。
无论事情如排山倒海般冲向我们，
只要坚守自己的岗位，
举起基督的旗，
就可以了。
可是不要忘记每一件事情背后，
总有一个要点，
是上帝要我们学习的。
今天早上的事情，让我一整天的心情都不好受。
到了傍晚，我的心里越来越重，压得我想哭。
所以就决定插手，亲自打电话并主动去了解。
回家的路上，我一直在自责，因为忽然觉得自己好像很多事，也自己骂自己，为什么没事找事来烦，把自己搞到好像这个又关我事，那个又关我事。
慢慢开始回想这几个月里，到底把多少个人的烦恼往身上扛，忽然想起一件很好笑的事，为什么我的头脑可以记得别人的烦恼，可是却忘记了自己要做的事情？难道我把脑海的空位统统装满了别人的烦恼？= ='''
这也许是神给我的恩赐，祂给我一颗细小的心，让我能看见细小的事。
谢谢祂，给我这样的一颗心。
谢谢祂，给我一双愿意倾听的耳朵。
谢谢祂，教导我如何去感受别人的感受。
谢谢祂，给我足够的恩典。
否则，我觉得我已经发疯了。
在我们的生命里面，总有起起落落的时候。
无论事情如排山倒海般冲向我们，
只要坚守自己的岗位，
举起基督的旗，
就可以了。
可是不要忘记每一件事情背后，
总有一个要点，
是上帝要我们学习的。
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Oh NOOOOOOOOOO!
today is Christmas day, and today is also the first Christmas throughout my 22 Christmas, that I din go to church and remember my Lord's birthday.
I felt so bad, it was my fault because i din hear my alarm ringing, because i was too tired after a long day yesterday. I woke up when my aunt call me and ask me why i didnt go and fetch her to church, then i look at the clock, oh no! it was almost 10am.
so i go out and ask my mum why she didnt wake me when she hear my alarm, she start to scold me and she also say "why i want to call you to wake up, I dont want. when you want to go petra you will automatic wake up, when go pj then you wont wake up, bla bla bla......."
i admit it was my fault because i am too tired until i didnt hear the alarm rang. but i just dont understand why my mum always want to think that way she did. sigh...
sorry Lord, that I have made a very very silly mistake on the Christmas of year 2010.
I felt so bad, it was my fault because i din hear my alarm ringing, because i was too tired after a long day yesterday. I woke up when my aunt call me and ask me why i didnt go and fetch her to church, then i look at the clock, oh no! it was almost 10am.
so i go out and ask my mum why she didnt wake me when she hear my alarm, she start to scold me and she also say "why i want to call you to wake up, I dont want. when you want to go petra you will automatic wake up, when go pj then you wont wake up, bla bla bla......."
i admit it was my fault because i am too tired until i didnt hear the alarm rang. but i just dont understand why my mum always want to think that way she did. sigh...
sorry Lord, that I have made a very very silly mistake on the Christmas of year 2010.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Mum
Mum,
If i died young, this is the message that i left for you, i know you cant understand, but i know there will be people read this to you and translate it to you.
Ma, no matter how many times you throw my things away before you get my agreement; no matter how hard you scold me about the mindset that you have; no matter how many times you slap me on my face. it doesnt matter, you are still my mother.
again and again, i keep on repeating about the work that God has given to me, it might be very very small, and it doesnt even really count as 'a matter' in your eyes. but again and again i beg you, dont assume yuke bin is the reason that i choose to serve there, i told you for many many times, it may be yes for previously, but not now, not anymore. he is not a reason for me to be there every saturday since year 2010. i had let go of it, why cant you?
Ma, the reason i be there is i can see myself grow and learn to love people. not because of the broken bgr that u thought. i have told you for so many times, but yet, you still insisted it is. i am glad that i was born in a Christian family, and i also thank God for the things that He tought me through CMC throughout the years. i believe He has prepared me for a greater purpose, why cant you stand up and look a bit further and have a little faith?
there are so many things that i told you to make you understand, but everytime you will end up shouted at me and say i abondoned you. i am trying not to, because i know you only have 1 child, which is me. i did not forget that, i am trying my best to do things that i can with the ability that i have, but you demands me to follow exactly every single word you said, when i choose not to obey, then you will start to scold me and angry at me.
Ma, i just want to let you know, whatever i do there is not for the sake of my own self or some other reasons that you thought of. i do it because of God, for His people. i am just a tiny worker that God willing to use. everytime you scold me about car, you said i fetch other people more than i fetch you, and you also said if dad didnt pay the deposit, how can i get the car. when i answer you that this car is a gift from God, and if God didnt allow me to have one, then anyhow i wont get it. but you wasnt agree with me. you think i am stupid, wasted petrol money to fetch people without asking back money. yes i am that stupid, i believe God gave me enough grace to serve His people.
I am sorry that i did not follow everything that you said; i am sorry that i became a rebellion daughter in your eyes; i am sorry that i did not listen to you about which church i should go to; i am sorry that i broke your heart when i tell you i choose there instead of go back to CMC; i am so sorry for everything.
your daughter,
pei wen
If i died young, this is the message that i left for you, i know you cant understand, but i know there will be people read this to you and translate it to you.
Ma, no matter how many times you throw my things away before you get my agreement; no matter how hard you scold me about the mindset that you have; no matter how many times you slap me on my face. it doesnt matter, you are still my mother.
again and again, i keep on repeating about the work that God has given to me, it might be very very small, and it doesnt even really count as 'a matter' in your eyes. but again and again i beg you, dont assume yuke bin is the reason that i choose to serve there, i told you for many many times, it may be yes for previously, but not now, not anymore. he is not a reason for me to be there every saturday since year 2010. i had let go of it, why cant you?
Ma, the reason i be there is i can see myself grow and learn to love people. not because of the broken bgr that u thought. i have told you for so many times, but yet, you still insisted it is. i am glad that i was born in a Christian family, and i also thank God for the things that He tought me through CMC throughout the years. i believe He has prepared me for a greater purpose, why cant you stand up and look a bit further and have a little faith?
there are so many things that i told you to make you understand, but everytime you will end up shouted at me and say i abondoned you. i am trying not to, because i know you only have 1 child, which is me. i did not forget that, i am trying my best to do things that i can with the ability that i have, but you demands me to follow exactly every single word you said, when i choose not to obey, then you will start to scold me and angry at me.
Ma, i just want to let you know, whatever i do there is not for the sake of my own self or some other reasons that you thought of. i do it because of God, for His people. i am just a tiny worker that God willing to use. everytime you scold me about car, you said i fetch other people more than i fetch you, and you also said if dad didnt pay the deposit, how can i get the car. when i answer you that this car is a gift from God, and if God didnt allow me to have one, then anyhow i wont get it. but you wasnt agree with me. you think i am stupid, wasted petrol money to fetch people without asking back money. yes i am that stupid, i believe God gave me enough grace to serve His people.
I am sorry that i did not follow everything that you said; i am sorry that i became a rebellion daughter in your eyes; i am sorry that i did not listen to you about which church i should go to; i am sorry that i broke your heart when i tell you i choose there instead of go back to CMC; i am so sorry for everything.
your daughter,
pei wen
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Your will??
Lord, if this is Your Will,
then let Your Will be done.
Tho many trials and troubles are coming my way,
but Lord, help me to set my heart on You.
but Lord, help me to set my heart on You.
Family is a big struggle to me,
Lord, i know You knew it well.
if this is Your Will,
then im sure You will open a way.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
烦恼．忧伤．喜乐．感恩
这几天，几乎每天都有事情发生，把我憋得不想写东西。
钱的事情，一直都缠着我，我不想成为钱的奴隶。
可是怎么为什么我这么努力地打工，身兼多职，钱还是那么的少。
每个月给这个给那个，根本没得储蓄。
我开始讨厌自己有车，供车和汽油已经花掉70%的薪金。
星期五早上，当我要去中心的时候，发现车发动不了。
心开始慌，我只剩下20块钱，怎样叫人来帮我弄。
最后只好打电话给Uncle Jack, 他是Joshua的爸爸，Joshua是我妈妈顾的那个小孩。
Uncle Jack 帮我检查，然后出去买车的电池，回来后帮我换。
我问他那个电池多少钱，他叫我不要理，不要担心多少钱。
我在想，上帝一定是听到我的心里在喊，没钱的时候怎么来一个坏车事件。
祂知道我不知所措，所以为我准备了帮助。
Uncle Jack 在星期六早上就会带他的一家到Australia旅行，
两个星期后才回来，所以我说，上帝真的很奇妙。
祂的安排和帮助总是来得刚刚好，不会迟也不会早。
祂的手所造的一切和所安排的一切，
永远都是刚刚好，这是祂给我那些白白的恩典。
主啊！求你教我顺服，我知道我很倔强，可是求你一步一步带领我，教导我顺服的功课。
Thursday, November 25, 2010
XD i 'heart' u all too!!!! =)
有些东西是金钱买不到的，也是爱情里面找不到的。
那就是你们。=)
真正的朋友是可以说真心话；
真正的朋友是可以坦诚相对；
真正的朋于是不需要掩饰；
真正的朋友不需要挂上面具；
真正的朋友是可以同享喜乐哀痛。
我知道我说的东西很肉麻，不过这显示我很珍惜我们之间的点点滴滴。
我不知道我的未来会怎样，没有人知道，只有上帝知道祂的计划是什么，
但是无论以后上帝要我怎样走，我希望，可以有你们一起走。
*Henri and Nic, i know you two need to use translator only can know what im writing above,
but just to tell you all that i love you all, all my bao brothers and bao sisters.
17 November 2010
Darling and me ~
This is my 'must-order' item in Zanmai. XD
a shop called Honeymoon, love their ice products,
this dark choc ice is awesome,
'kao' enough~ hahah
that day we all looked like foreigner,
back-pack, t-shirt, short pants, crocs.
then we go Sungai Wang, Low Yat, BB Plaza, Farenheit88 and Pavilion.
then we go Sungai Wang, Low Yat, BB Plaza, Farenheit88 and Pavilion.
The reflection of us, the pic of the day~
6 cupcakes from cupcake chic, RM13.50 only,
by using special voucher from Group-more.
Sharing is caring, each cup cake gone to different people's stomach,
Me, Rou, Irene, Sin Huey, Connie and Nic.
hahah~~
24 November 2010
We went to Jogoya for my darling's advance bday~
im glad that you enjoyed it =)
im glad that you enjoyed it =)
Love you-all!!!!MUACKS~
Thursday, November 11, 2010
恩典
太多太多的事情，很想发泄在这里，可是手指不听使唤，无法去形容心里那么多复杂的心情。
确实，一种米养百种人，每个人在面具之下的面容，实在是无法想象。反过来想，我何尝不是一样？面对一些令我难受的人或事情，我一样挂上面具，一个企图掩饰我心情的面具。可是，我失败了。对不起，有些时候我真的不知道该如何把面具戴上。如果我脸上所反映的心情触犯到你，在这里跟你说声对不起。
我很累，一次又一次的伤害，令我真的觉得很累。我很想逃离，很有冲动想要逃离。可是，我偏偏做不到。
对，dillon说得对，我觉得难受是我的问题，我介意他们的言语是我的问题。因为这显示我不大方，不体谅，不善解人意。这样地告诉自己，会使我好过一点。
我不是个完美的人，所以我不够大方，不够体谅，不够了解，凡事都不足的我，需要神的恩典。22年以来，都是神的恩典让我活下来。13岁那年的车祸，是祂的保守，我才得以活下来。15岁那年被打枪，是祂安排路人来帮助我，不然，现在的我无法用右手写字。去年的碎镜事件,是祂派天使保护我，不然，我可能已经被杀死或者陷入车祸死掉了。
神的恩典是数也数不尽的，每一天的带领和保守，是无法用文字去形容。count your blessing, name them one by one, 神的恩典填补了我的不足，靠着祂我才能有勇气继续走下去。
确实，一种米养百种人，每个人在面具之下的面容，实在是无法想象。反过来想，我何尝不是一样？面对一些令我难受的人或事情，我一样挂上面具，一个企图掩饰我心情的面具。可是，我失败了。对不起，有些时候我真的不知道该如何把面具戴上。如果我脸上所反映的心情触犯到你，在这里跟你说声对不起。
我很累，一次又一次的伤害，令我真的觉得很累。我很想逃离，很有冲动想要逃离。可是，我偏偏做不到。
对，dillon说得对，我觉得难受是我的问题，我介意他们的言语是我的问题。因为这显示我不大方，不体谅，不善解人意。这样地告诉自己，会使我好过一点。
我不是个完美的人，所以我不够大方，不够体谅，不够了解，凡事都不足的我，需要神的恩典。22年以来，都是神的恩典让我活下来。13岁那年的车祸，是祂的保守，我才得以活下来。15岁那年被打枪，是祂安排路人来帮助我，不然，现在的我无法用右手写字。去年的碎镜事件,是祂派天使保护我，不然，我可能已经被杀死或者陷入车祸死掉了。
神的恩典是数也数不尽的，每一天的带领和保守，是无法用文字去形容。count your blessing, name them one by one, 神的恩典填补了我的不足，靠着祂我才能有勇气继续走下去。
Monday, November 1, 2010
惋惜吗？
最近我很喜欢一首歌 - 《最后纪念》，
细细地品尝其中的失落。
有时候，寂寞并不是太可怕，
寂寞让人回头看之前发生过的事。
回味记忆里的点点滴滴，
有好的，也有坏的。
好的坏的都一笑置之吧！
何必强人所难？
别人正享受热恋期，
己所不欲勿施于人，
为何把自己不满的情绪，
也拖累别人去承担呢？
别人对我不公平，
我却要对他更加的好，
这才是上帝要我学习的功课。
别人打我左边脸，
连右边的脸都转过去给他打吧！
爱人如己，连敌人也要爱，
这虽然很难，但是我会努力的！
细细地品尝其中的失落。
有时候，寂寞并不是太可怕，
寂寞让人回头看之前发生过的事。
回味记忆里的点点滴滴，
有好的，也有坏的。
好的坏的都一笑置之吧！
何必强人所难？
别人正享受热恋期，
己所不欲勿施于人，
为何把自己不满的情绪，
也拖累别人去承担呢？
别人对我不公平，
我却要对他更加的好，
这才是上帝要我学习的功课。
别人打我左边脸，
连右边的脸都转过去给他打吧！
爱人如己，连敌人也要爱，
这虽然很难，但是我会努力的！
《最后纪念》
还记得去年的今天
我们许了愿
说好了永远 不说再见
但现在你却离我那么遥远
在你的身边是否会发现
我们昨天的想念
对你而言我们之间
只不过像过眼云烟
你的世界我从不了解
你的改变我都看见
对你而言我们之间
不过是伤害多过甜
能不能再多爱一天
当作我们最后纪念
能不能再陪我过今夜
我们许了愿
说好了永远 不说再见
但现在你却离我那么遥远
在你的身边是否会发现
我们昨天的想念
对你而言我们之间
只不过像过眼云烟
你的世界我从不了解
你的改变我都看见
对你而言我们之间
不过是伤害多过甜
能不能再多爱一天
当作我们最后纪念
能不能再陪我过今夜
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