友

友谊需要时间和精力去建立和维持，并不是说来就来说走就走的。我明白每个人都有自己的情绪落差，可是不能因此而拒人于千里之外，令我实在心疼与失望。 朋友是在你身边陪你起起落落的人，并非你想要说话就说话，不想理就不理。也许你认为你能够自己承担一切，那就随你所愿吧！

眼看身边的人常常陷入无法自拔的状态，我实在无话可说。明明知道那是一条不归路，可是偏偏就是一直横冲直撞。你最重视的东西就是你的心所归属的地方，这是上帝说的。

不过，朋友就是要互相接受，我只会在背后默默地为你祷告。盼望有一天，你能醒悟过来，追求太多属世的东西，会令你在不知情的情况之下，慢慢变成你属世的主人。

我怎么了？

最近，总有一些些的冲动，想去学习如何再爱上一个人。

我发现自己其实已经准备好了。

不愉快的事情经过了两年的洗涤，其中的怨恨早已被冲淡了。其实，我已经不再恨他和她，一切都已成了定局，何必再怨恨呢？不想跟他们有任何的瓜葛，纯粹是不想要提醒自己曾经被如此地伤害过，所以才选择跟他们划清界限。

我曾经抚心自问，如此的冲动是不是为了要忘掉他。惊觉自己原来对他已没有依恋，不再心跳加速，不再把目光停留在他的身上。果然，要忘掉一个人，确实不容易啊！这个人，让我在过去的两年流了多少的眼泪，多少次的心绞痛。回忆起五年前我们为对方许下的承诺，我只会微微一笑，告诉自己，都过去了！一切都过去了。这个曾经让我如此爱恋的人，如今的他已不是我之前所爱的他，所以他所许下的承诺，已经随着旧的他一起死去了。

坚信祂已经为我准备了最好的，在最好的那一个还没有来到之前，我必须先装备自己，让自己在未来的日子可以成为一个称职的妻子。原来这两年的试炼是上帝陶造我的工具，好让我在今时今日可以对自己坦诚，并将荣耀归给祂。

祂给我一个成长的机会，如今的我终于明白了这一切背后的动机。这样，我才能够在这一刻，虔诚地祈祷，告诉上帝 - “我准备好了！”

埋藏

我想哭。
我想大大声地哭。

无法接受
面临崩溃

很讨厌
很讨厌12月

两年前的12月，我曾经是如此的伤心。
没想到，两年后的12月，又再发生让我伤心崩溃的事情。

从来没有想过会有这样的结果
满心期待的一天
竟然是我梦里的想象而已

都怪我
无端端干嘛去提出这样的建议
到最后
只是让自己心碎

已经打包好的行李
现在已经一无是处

为了这个旅程而辞职的我
显得非常的愚蠢愚昧
是我傻
满满的期待
换来
满满的心碎

怪不了别人
是我自己笨
是我自己让自己陷入经济困境
是我自己害自己天天被妈妈骂

我决定了
从今以后
我不会再提议任何的出游
不会再计划任何的旅程
安分守己
做自己的本分
安安定定过日子就好了

我对自己极度失望
从今以后
不再期待任何的事情了

无题

我从未有如此地忧虑过。

First step to a land

For those who dont know where i have been from 10th to 15th Nov,

im glad to let you know that, 

i've been to Chiang Rai for a short mission trip.

my church funded few churches in that area,

so this time, our trip has scheduled to visit 2 of it only.

one was Bandoi, another one Ruammit.

the very first time for me, Amy Pooi to step out of Malaysia.

YES, this is the first time.

i have never been to singapore or thailand eventhough they are so near to us.

so, this trip is the first time i go out from malaysia and sit on a plane.

first time sitting on a plane was really excited.

because that is the first time i can see the clouds so clearly and the blue blue sky.

after 3 hours flight from LCCT, we reached Chiang Mai airport.

upon check out, straight go into the van, starting of a 5 hours journey.

along the 5 hours journey, we drop by the hot spring at Chiang Rai for around 15 mins.

they all went to soak their feet in the hot spring, 

but i didnt, because i dont dare.  ><

first meal in Thailand, it was nice, but the portion is quite small.

this restaurant is just located along the road side when we are on our way to Bandoi,

above the restaurant has a small wooden house for people to visit.

thats why need to take off shoes before entering.

town area at Chiang Rai.

we went here to do many stuffs like photocopy some exercise for children program,

buy medicine for medical service, tidbits for kids, soap and towel as gift to the people.

Chiang Rai is consider an outskirt area in Thailand,

but yet they had FREE WIFI at the bus station.

malaysia, HAIZ..............................

this is the school beside the church in Bandoi.

morning they have kindergarden, teaching in chinese.

afternoon they have chinese school for all ages, 

from 5pm to 7pm (if i not mistaken),

so the kids will come to this school to learn chinese after their formal schooling hour.

so, these Ahka tribe learning Thai language in compulsory formal school,

they can also learn chinese in this school, but many of them didnt come and learn chinese.

this is the first program we did at Bandoi on the first day we reach Thailand.

some of them still dressed in school uniform because they just finish school,

then they straight away rush to the chinese school for chinese class.

left is the church, right is the school.

oh ya, we were staying in the school for the first 4 days.

This is another church, located at Ruammit,

30 mins journey from Bandoi. 

the decoration is for the thanksgiving day.

they are harvesting now, so they had thankgiving day during our visit.

the Ahka hymnbook is the book i read the most when i was in their church.

i cant stop myself from looking some songs that i know, 

and try to sing in their language.

arhh, its hard. their language is very hard to pronounce.

This is Sala Aju, Sala means 传道人.

my church funded him to study theology to become a 传道人.

he dont know chinese, but he can speak some simple english.

our lovely kids, we teach them to make a card for their parent during children programs.

some of them are really creative. very very creative.

enjoying the beauty of our nature.

God's creation.

FOOD!

first of all, their rice are superb!! 

sooooooooooo nice to eat..

but a bit scared of rice already after the trip.

because we ate rice for all 3 meals, 4 days.. =p

second, PORK!

we have pork on the table for every meal,

breakfast, lunch, dinner. NEVER FAIL.

but their pork is very different from what we ate in KL.

texture are a lot more nicer from KL.

one of the nice food i had during visitation.

this is made of rice, have to dip into brown sugar before eating.

NICE!

oh this cup, a very small cup.

its made of bamboo, HANDMADE and SELFMADE.

my fav picture in this trip.

activities and interactions with kids.

first night, we went to a pasar malam to have dinner. 

to try their local food.

eating banana in the morning after quite time.

WOW, for this pic, i felt the coldness when i saw this pic.

that night was around 14 degree C.

its was very cold for us because we all are wearing normal light jacket.

worse thing is that wind blown the whole evening till mid night.

during the wind blow, the temp was below 10 degree C.

everyone is shaking, white smoke came out from our mouth whenever we try to talk.

their traditional fashion.

the thing that they wore on their heads,

minimum 2 kg, and normal weight is 5 kg each.

one of our program for fellowship, 

we teach them sing a song called 一根蜡烛。

so we prepared candles for everyone, 

to be lighten up when we sing.

song presentation, im the female soloist, the doctor beside me is the male soloist.

last group picture before we leave Bandoi.

Bangkok here I come.

Nice cloud.

this is the hotel where we stayed, the tallest building in Bangkok.

182 people stacking up = tower's height

inside the hotel has lots of things to play with.

Mr. McD in Sawadika motion, with a lot of sand pack behind to prevent flood.

yes, i had BR when i was in Bangkok,

79 Baht for 1 scoop, Monday special free 1 scoop Vanilla.

50% of all the things that i have shopped.

most of it from NaRaYa, the shop is really nice, looks like those handbag shop in Pavilion.

i spent hundreds there. OPS!

Ok, i am sleepy already.

tomorrow i will continue to blog about the people i have met in this trip.

仰望天父的力量

这一首儿童诗歌，在我最烦燥的时候，缓缓地在我耳边响起。
仿佛，上帝在我耳边告诉我。
前面的道路全然交给祂，只要仰望天父的力量。

在那一刻，我的视线顿时模糊了。
是的，只要仰望祂的力量，因为在祂里面没有难成的事。

未来的路如何走，我真的一点头绪都没有。
不想再花时间做我不喜欢的事。
我喜欢教书，我享受在学生面前说话的感觉。
可是偏偏这一条路一点都不平坦。
我所计划的，1%都没有达成。

上帝，谢谢袮提醒我要仰望袮。

谢谢袮。

in the middle of the night

Its 3.30am now. I still not sleeping yet.

Done watching Fireproof, the very first time that i watch this alone. Previously, I watched it with him, and after so many years, I watched it again, the lessons I get is so much different compared to last time.

I cried, very badly.

at the same time, God told me the reason why my relationship failed.
its just simply because I will never know what love truly is, until I have God in my life.
neglect God is something i always do, but He never leave me, even I am on fire.

ok i shall go to bed and rest now, eyes are swollen after cried.

贴切

何谓贴切？
实为恰好也。

一首好久好久没有听到的歌曲，
竟然可以勾起我埋藏起来的回忆。
每一字，每一句，都如此贴切于我心情。

梁静茹的歌声，总是娓娓道出我的心情。
细腻，就如我那无法再承受刺激的心。
告诉自己，要勇敢去面对。
他，已经走进了别人的风景。
他，已经走得好远了，可是却又如此地靠近。
哎。

梁静茹的可惜不是你。

这一刻突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天今天同时在放映
我这句语气原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据
差一点骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上我双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你
陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你
牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

那一段我们曾心贴着心
我想我更有权利关心你
可能你已走进别人风景
多希望也有星光的投影

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上我双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你
陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你
牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

感谢那是你
牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

你知道吗？

其实。

我想你。
我很想你。
我非常想你。

我以为，我的心会被另外一个人牵走。
其实，我只是在给自己藉口，压抑自己。

原来啊！另一个人根本没有牵走我的心。
因为你还没有把我的心还给我。

这个晚上，我花了很多的时间去好好地看看我们的过去。
我没有哭。
真的没有。
两年半的日子，一直一直都在我身边的你。
勾起了很多的回忆，专属于你和我独有的回忆。
再多三个月，就是你离开我两年的纪念日了。
一步两脚印，在你离开我的日子，神一直一直都在我身旁陪伴我。
学习独立，学习不依赖你。
非学不可，因为已经没有我可以依赖的空间。
可是，我真的很想你。


我想说,我还爱你。我对你一直一直都没有变，也不知道什么时候才会变。:'(

祢

我妈妈最近又再开始发神经了。
我真的很想搬离这个家，离开这个令人烦恼的地方。

没有家人的支持，两边都缺少归属感。
上帝啊！祢到底要我怎样？


我知道，我始终亏欠了祢给我的恩赐。
我知道，我已经好久没有好好地用你给我的恩赐来唱一首赞美的诗歌。
我知道的。


我更知道的是我需要学习谦卑。
只有一个谦卑的人，才不会把自己的事和问题看得比其他事情还要重要。
人总要以神的事为先。


这并不简单，每时每刻放下自我来成就上帝的旨意。
不简单啊！

勇气

祂的羊群是我的动力;
总不能这样丢下就走。

神所托付的事情不能轻易撇下不管，
总要撑下去。
是的，总要靠祂撑下去。

告诉自己，还有半年而已。
加油！

明年的我，没有人知道。
只有祂。
只有祂知道。
所以，还是要加油！

可能离开的时机不是现在，
也许是未来，无人知晓啊！

可是我会继续走下去，
直到上帝让我看见祂所为我开另外一条路。

可以吗？

今天是一个不寻常的星期六。

4年来，第一次过这样的星期六。

一个人看戏，一个人吃东西，一个人逛街。

一个人而已。

很享受这样宁静的时间，一个人走走看看。

暂时抛开烦人的事情，令我伤心难过的人事物。

刚刚送了阿姨回家，我就打开收音机，听听那些好久没听的歌。

Who am I　在耳边响起。

听着听着，眼泪就缓缓地流下了。

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin, would look on me with love, and watch me rise again?

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea, would call out through the rain, and calm the storm in me?

是的。

我是谁？神竟然顾念我。

Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours．

谢谢，我默默地感恩。

我不想要亏欠上帝给我的恩惠，所以更应该尽心尽力地去做神所托付给我的任务。

可是，转个弯想想。

当我决定重新踏入这个教会侍奉。

我就要准备面对很多很多的压力。

当大家都在谈论他们的婚事的时候，

当大家都在看请帖的时候，

当大家都在准备的时候，

当大家都在为他们高兴的时候，

我承受得住吗？

我可以面对吗？

我问自己。

我·祢·他

我知道，我让大家都失望了。

看见自己，我实在很讨厌我自己。
为何还要在乎？为何还要理会？为何还要被伤害？为何还要自取其辱？为何还要伤心难过？
其实，原因很简单。
我，还放不下他。
我欺骗我自己，制造假象，让自己相信，自己已经不再对他有任何感觉。
可是其实，他，还是会吸引 我的目光，得到我的注意力。

我知道我很傻，总是自取其辱。
搞到现在这样，使身边的人都替我担心。
我只能说对不起。
我高估了我自己，以为时间慢慢过去，就可以放下这一段破碎的感情。

其实，我真的很想逃离。
可是，有人提醒我，这里有我未完成的任务。
的确。
我曾在上帝面前起誓。
要尽我所能的去看顾祂的羊群。
我曾经众人面前立了这个约。
我不能因为这样的事情，而背叛这个约定。
背叛是无法补偿的。
如果我就这样背叛了我的誓言，将来回到家的时候，我该怎么向上帝交待？

神，就是如此的奇妙。
祂的时机，总是刚刚好，一秒也不会迟，也不会早。
总是不经意的出现，仿佛在告诉我。
别怕，我还在这里。
祂告诉我，我只不过是这个世界的旅客。
总有一天，我要回家的。
现在虽然很痛，心理上生理上的痛都会过去。
只有祂那永恒的应许不会逝去。

身边的人，都会在我需要的时候离我而去。
可是，只有祂，一直一直地提醒我，我还在这里。
谢谢祢，我只能说谢谢。
谢谢我唯一的神，唯一的主。
祢在我最不值得被爱的时候，告诉我祢还在，还没有放弃我。
可是我很惭愧，因为我还不能实践祢教导我的爱。
去爱那些不值得被爱的人，不值得原谅的人。


我的神是全能的神，世上没有祂不能完成的事。
所以，祢要我学习的功课。
总有一天。
总有那么一天。
祢必定能在我身上成就。

%@!&

我

讨

厌

你

们

非

常

讨

厌

讨

厌

讨

厌

!

never ever

both

of

you

will

never

get

my

blessing.


NEVER

EVER!