Life

I had a great time today with my besties, you girls had brighten up my day.
although i didnt share anything about my another side of emotion,
but i think its still the best for tonight,
because i know that if i said,
it will spoil the whole atmosphere...

~Seoul Garden~

nice and not bad to eat,

next time wanna go again

* rou darling next time we go k? ^^ *

my besties of my uni life

although we seldom contact after we graduated

but we know and we understand that true friendship will last
we learn to accept each other's weaknesses in the past 4 years

so, that is what makes us always stay together. =)

today, my emotion is in calm condition, compare to yesterday.

yesterday i was so tempted to update blog,

but i didnt type out any word,

for i know when i get emotions,

i will non stop writing and i dont care anything,

just type out everything in my heart.

at last, i overcame the temptation of update blog in bad emotion.

i am very happy when i know my friends around are protecting me,

they are just like the angels that God had sent to me.

i really thank God that He sent them.

to those who read my blog, here are my words for you:

sin huey & pui mun: thanks for knocking the door, but im sorry that i rejected your care at that time. coz i dont think i able to talk. if that time i start to speak, i will fail to control myself.

sin huey: thanks for being there for me when i needed to talk, thanks for keep assuring me that im not alone.

james: thanks for sms-ed with me when i ran away, thanks for calling me to go back, thanks for encouraging me. all these while, thanks for keep reminding me not to skip my qt as im not able to skip. XD

rou: thanks for blocking in front of me, it maybe look funny but i appreciated that. thanks for understands me just at the moment when you saw my face, i know you are not good in comforting people, but you use ur supporting action to support me, thank you.

nic: you are always stand behind me and support me, and thanks for spending time with me. i enjoy going out with u and henri, coz its so special that my 2 older brothers are protecting me, its so comfortable. no ned to hide, no ned to wear mask, jus be myself.

irene: your padding on my shoulder shown how much u cared for me, thank you.

dear all, i promise that i will be stronger,

by His grace that i could continue living,

so live a life for Him but not myself.

有些话我想说，

可不可以不要再伤害我？

我已经很努力地去忘记。

为什么总是要我从你口中再次听见那些我曾经从你口中听过的承诺？

我曾经陪你走过你最落魄的日子，

我曾经陪你走过日晒雨淋的日子，

我曾经陪你走过那些难熬的日子。

你刚买屋子的时候，那间屋子是多么的零乱和肮脏，

十年没有住人的屋子，里面的灰尘是多么地厚。

我鼻子敏感，有灰尘的地方我会一直打喷嚏，

可是我还是在那段期间，到那间屋子收拾垃圾，

弄得满脸灰尘，满手黑黑的。

收拾之后，就要开始洗屋子，

你可否记得我刷厨房的时候，被tina水弄到手脱皮，

拿刷子刷到指甲裂开，被割伤等等等等。

还有很多其他的事件，可是我不想要再提了。

可是你记得吗？一点点有吗？

我不要求你记得全部，我只要求你可以记得一点点，

记得我曾经的付出，然后不要再伤害我，

就这样简单而已。

用我曾经的付出来还换取你一点点的良心，

只要求你不要再伤害我，这样不过分吧！

要亲密，请滚到远远去。

请不要在我眼前，亲亲我我，抱来抱去。

请不要在大庭广众跟另一个女人说出那些你曾经对我说过的承诺，

从你的口中听两遍，而且是说给两个不同的人听，令我觉得恶心。

如果我妨碍了你们，请告诉我，我会直接离开petra，

回去我原来的生活，就当我从来没有跟winnie来过petra,

从来没有认识过你，更从来没有在一间叫petra的教会事奉过。

Its for you, my girl

Dear Huey,

When i saw u cry, i also feel like crying with you, but i know that i cannot, because i need to be strong enough to be a supporter to you.
you told me that you are forced to, dear, lets keep this in prayer.
if in the end, there is no willingness in everything u do, i believe God will do something about it. He always want us to serve Him in our joyful heart, if joy is absent in our serving, its all in vain afterall.

girl, i know that you will never listen to whatever i said. as i also telling the same thing over n over again to you, but it just cannot go to the point in your heart.

i really hope that you will try not to 'zhuan niu jiao jian' in this matter as soon as possible.
like the movie we jus watched few days ago, many things is just needed a first step,
in order to move forward, just the first step, then God will do the rest.

Charlie have been stucked in the promise for 5 years, his life is much more better after he took the first step to overcome the fear and to accept the fact.

God gave us chances, to repent, to be a better person. everything happened is not for fun,
it always has a purpose. dont let the pain stops u of seeing the purpose.
just like dont look at the single piece of puzzle and ignored the whole picture that the puzzle pieces are going to form.

everything happen in our life is like the pieces of puzzle, we need to get all the pieces,
put them all together, arrange it and put it according to where it should to be placed,
then only we can see the whole picture. isnt it?

here i wanna dedicate a song to you, this song actually helps me go through when i was so so so down. this song remind me of having faith in Jesus, our Lord.
Faith is not an easy word, it needed decisions and willingness. faith is like the process of picking up puzzle pieces and gathering them together, trying to arrange them without having a peak on the whole picture where it suppose to look like. its jus as simple as that, the first step that we got to take, on ourselves' willingness.

Jesus will still be there by Point Of Grace

Things change Plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise Hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day

When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as a steady rain

Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

Time flies Hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes Weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again

When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

心情

换了新工作了之后，忽然在下午的时段多出了很多的空闲的时间。
因此，多了时间胡思乱想。
工作并不忙碌，但是脑袋却转得特别快。

这阵子一直下雨，每当我在路上看见在雨中的骑motor的情侣或夫妇，
我就想起了我们。

我们在一起的时间，不算长，但也不算短。
现在的你跟我们那时还在一起的你很不一样。
当时的我们都没钱，你刚出来工作，我还在上大学。
其实，我想念当时的你。
想念我们在雨中骑motor,被雨淋得湿湿的，回到你家的时候还被你妈妈骂。
想念当时为了省油钱，那段骑motor到处去的日子。
想念在motor上，从后面抱着你的安全感。
虽然每次我都会很担心会有危险，可是是你叫我相信你，不要担心。
因为你的话，所以我坐在你后面的时候，有着厚厚的安全感。

想念当时候，每个星期二四，我都会在下课后搭LRT去KLCC找你。
然后走路去你的公司，在楼下等你放工。
之后慢慢地走路去你停车的地方。
回你家吃饭，然后准备去cell group和bible study。

08年年尾，你换工了，换到dksh工作。
生活习惯改变了，不再搭LRT去KLCC，
但是却时常跟你的同事们一起出去。
我们见面的时间比之前多，因为你的公司就在我校舍附近。
有时你下午的时候累了，你就会去我当时的家睡午觉。
我放学回家看到你的车停在外面，就知道你一定在里面睡觉。
其实，我真的很想念当时的生活。

生活的点滴，是很难抹去的记忆。
我很想把你从我的记忆里删除，可是为什么这一些细节无法离开我？
你应该都不记得这一些小细节了吧！
可是我就丢不掉这些。
看见雨中的情侣骑motor,想起你。
看见dksh，想起你。
看见nissan sentra,想起你。
看见honda prelude,想起你。
看见很多很多的东西，都会想起你。
如果要写出来，我不知道要写多久。

就这样，感触应该适可而止就好了。

I seriously HATE this

i seriously seriously hate this!!!
my schedule for saturday runs like this,
wake up at 7am, then 8am start tuition till 10am.
finish tuition need to rush to subang zi wen to teach diabolo,
start at 11am and ends at 12.30pm.
after that rush to church, normally need to stuck in jam,
when i reach cheras, already 1.30pm.
spend some time to take lunch, as i normally wont eat breakfast,
coz no time at all.
2.30pm till dinner time is for youth,
then if end early, need to find place to hang out until 11pm,
why? coz ned to fetch my aunt home.

i stay at seri kembangan, my aunt stay at pj sect 14,
everytime she work night shift, i have to purposely go mid valley to pick her up,
send her back to pj, then i go back to sk again.

yes, normally she finish work at 11pm.
but she never be punctual in 8 times over 10 times.
she never be early but late.
sometimes 15 mins, sometimes half an hour.
the worst i waited is until 12,30am.

today, after a schedule started from 7am, im very tired.
and she come out at 12am.
when i reach home, its already 12.45am.

you know what? i seriously hate this.
my aunt has 4 brothers and 2 sister,
2 brothers at penang, one stay in puchong, another one at serdang raya.
1 of the sister is my mum, the other one stay at the house opposite to mine.
exclude those at penang, i stayed at the place which most far from mid valley.
puchong that one, jus ned to pass by the old klang road, then will reach mv.
serdang jaya that one, jus ned to go into seremban highway, turn left then reach mv.
did anyone who stay nearer to mid valley willing to fetch her.
NO, the answer is NO. they are not WILLING.
SELFISH!!!!!!! selfish people.

what are they doing while i sitting in the car alone,
wait until 12am, they probably is in their sweet dreams.
my aunt came out at 12am, after i drop her,
she would take a hot shower n go to bed.
what is she doing when i reach home at 12.45am?
most probably is in her sweet dreams too.
what is the feeling when i reach home, saw my parent all sleeping already,
and i have to open door, do my stuff softly?
everyone else is resting at 12.45am, but me?
i just reach home, since i left home at 10am after the tuition.
i seriously fed up with this.

even weekdays, i got to rush back from office,
to buy dinner for my mum,
after that tuition from 8.30pm to 10pm.
after tuition, need to rush out to mid valley to pick my aunt,
then go back all the way to sk again.

my aunt pay me rm100 for the petrol for fetching her.
u know what?
the whole journey for me to go out from home, fetch her n go back again.
total need 53 km, each km cost me rm0.15,
which means 1 trip cost me rm7.95,
if 1 month i fetch her 15 times,
it will cost me rm119.25 worth of petrol.
sometime in a month, not only 15 times.
some months is even more times. ish!!!!!!!!!
this did not include the priceless hours that i spend in the car to wait for her.
so what? the rm100 so big meh!!!

my mum very 'yin sat' one,
when the time i ned to fetch my aunt, no matter how late i got home,
even like today, 12.45am, she heh also wont heh 1 sound.
but when the times i go out with friends, or when i go to church for practice,
11pm she will start calling me, non-stop call me, scolding me in the phone,
even treaten me if 12am i haven reach home, she will lock the door. the internal lock.

WHY? i really hate this, and i had fed up!
i wanted to run away from all these,
why would i have to do this?
why would i just to suffer while everyone is having sweet dreams on the bed?
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really wan to walk away.
i really wan to escape.
i really wan to run.

family? u tot family all treat u real??
when my aunt earn money from share, n she wan to belanja makan,
everyone will come.
but when she work night shift, who will go to pick her up?
yin sat!! these people are all masked!
有福就同享，有难就不同担。

God, take away all these from me please!!!!
let me escape please!!!
im so tired, im tired of always do things for other people's good,
but not for my own good,
exchange all my resting time to trade for other people's sweet dreams.
in the end i jus bring myself suffer.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im going to be crazy!!!!!!!

方向在哪？

很多话憋在心里，想说可是不知怎么说。
怎办？

有时候，一阵阵的心痛，应该是妒嫉吧！

上帝啊！ 带我走吧！！！
请为我开一条路，让我可以向前走吧！

离开我在意的友情，离开厌恶的感情，离开愧疚的亲情。

我不想面对。
我想逃。

现在的我，已经不晓得如何释放正能量给身边的人。
身边的人对我越来越烦躁。
我真得很想离开一阵子，沉淀下来，寻找方向。

so what?

i feel that im a weird person.

there are many things that happened in my daily life,
and there are only few people that i wanted to share them with.

sometimes, people just dont buy your heart that wanted to share.
people just dont care....
so? the conclusion?
some people just dont love you as how you loved them.

we cant ask other people to give us what we want but not what they wanted to give...
love and dont ask for return.
even felt discouraged also doesnt matter.
jus do what i can but not ask from others.

maybe some people are not willing to be involved in other people's life...
who knows?
i guessed its all my own problems.
yea i discouraged myself.
what to do?
a silly people like me.

My Dearest

How many person in this world can really know you? besides God and your parent.
yea, my mum know me well. she knew what im thinking when i have certain actions or words.
but, there are a lot of things that she dont know about me.
coz she get into emotions too easily.

well, im glad that God had sent me 4 angels.
they listened to me; they watched me cried; they heard all my emo words; they encouraged me.
dears, do you know today i was so so so wanted to leave here?
i find myself keep falling into satan's trap that makes me heartache.

Thanks for keep encouraging me all these while, four of you.

I can see God's love to me thru four of you, that God did not give up on me.
thats why He sent you all to me, to help me to go through this road of pain.

I wanted to go away, go far far away. to a place where have zero memories between me and him.
gone far far away, delete them in my contacts, friends list etc etc.

if i ever had a chance to do so,
will you guys support me?
will you all still love me as you used to?

i loved God, so i do not know how to live without Him even at the times i doubt about Him.
i loved Jesus, so i also don't know how to hold on to the faith if i run away from Him.
so do you all,
I loved you all, so i do not know how to leave this place.

i have a question for myself, am i hate them more than i love you all? or i love you all more than i hate them?
God sent me angels, is it worth to leave all my angels, to start a new life?

im sure people will tell me, God knows the best.
yea i believe, that is what i have been believing from the beginning.
i believe He want me to learn something.

keep me in your prayers, my dearest.
leave the land with memories or stay in it.
God knows the best.
He has a plan,
pray for me that i could be sensitive enough to know the plan at His timing.

I am not afraid to start anew in other place,
but im going to miss u all like crazy if i really go away and work at other places.
I always thank God for my angels, thanks for loving me as i am.

I love you, my angels.

心动

终于看了这部电影。

只有三个字想说，

我哭了。

文字

好久没有写东西了。
发现我自己的文字生涩了许多。
优雅的文字，似乎都离我三万里之远了。

不过，今天看见我大学同学的一篇博客。
她说，她其实很幸福。

于是，这些美丽的文字引起了我对幸福的遐想。

幸福是什么？

幸福，其实很简单的。

只需要两个字：知足。

对我而言，无论你如何天花乱坠般地形容什么是幸福；
到最后，其实就只是知足。

美丽的背后总有残酷的一面；幸福也是如此。
不一定失而复得就是幸福；
不一定山珍海味才是幸福；
不一定帅哥美女才算幸福。

只要不继续困在个人永无止境的欲望里面，
就可以对此时此刻所拥有的东西而知足。

把自己抽离，让上帝去填补。
这样，就会发现，上帝给的，总是最好的。

曾经说好的梦想呢？

这是我说再见的方式。

总结我们的故事， 900多的日子的故事。
其实，我恨你，我恨你对我如此残酷；我讨厌你的多情；我厌恶你同时拥有几个女人。

我说了，这是我说再见的方式。这个故事，已经结束了。
所以，就以这样的方式让它结束。
因此，我默认，你只是我生命里的其中一环；也是上帝要我学习的功课。

一个人生里面重要的功课。

这是我们第一张合照。2007

地点：Times Square 欢喜地

这是我们最喜欢的合照。2008

地点：Mid Valley Jusco 更衣室外面

地点：SS13 - 2008 新年

地点：云顶 Outdoor Theme Park 2008

在等待老爷车的到来，无聊时所拍的照片。

这是我们曾经相爱的证据。

看清楚，曾经。
所以现在已不复存在了。

地点：宿舍房间 2007

这是我们第一次一起参加婚礼晚宴。


地点: Gohtong Jaya - Family Camp 2008 - ShangHai Night


地点：Eagle Ranch - Camp Transformation 2008
我们曾经熬夜弄好7仔的头盔；
满手棉花浆糊；
熬夜缝衣服时被针刺到手指等等等等。
这是回忆。


地点: Petra Gospel Center
2009 Benaiah's Sketch
这是我们扮演夫妻的角色。
第一次，也是最后一次。

地点：Mid Valley 2009

我的21岁生日。

我没有得到我期待的惊喜。

是我的遗憾，也是我自己自找的。

因为我在你身上的有太多的期待。

你安排的不多，可是谢谢你曾经用心地想安排些什么。

到最后，是我们身边的朋友安排的。

地点：金马伦 2009

新年与家人出游时拍的。

地点：云顶 Theme Park 2008

这是我们第一次单独出门游玩。
有很多有趣的回忆。
都只是回忆了。


事件：Song Fest 7 - 2009
谢谢有你的鼓励和陪伴。
谢谢有你跟我一起分享这一份喜悦。
谢谢你在我缺乏信心的时候，对我说的话。
谢谢你当时的真心。

地点：Full House 牛车水 2009

当时我们拍了很多白痴的照片，
这张是比较正常的。


地点：Butterfly Park 金马伦　2009 - Company Trip


地点：Butterfly Park 金马伦　2009 - Company Trip

地点：KLCC - Aquaria 2009
这一张应该是我们最后几张合照了。

地点：Sungai Gabai - Benaiah Outing 2009
当时的你，脚趾受伤。

地点：Baskin Robbin Queen's Park - 31/10/2009
这是我们最后一次一起吃冰淇淋了。

十个月了，时间过得真的很快。

快得令我害怕，心慌。

没有你的日子，刚开始的时候真得很不好过。

其一，不舍；其二，不甘；其三，愤怒。

不舍的是两年半悉心经营的感情宣告结束。

不甘的是你竟然在超短的时间内开始新恋情。

愤怒的是你对我不公平的对待。

现在，觉得自己很笨，你已经向前走了十个月。

而我却在原地踏步，停留在十个月以前。

我们，已经有了十个月的距离。

所以，我决定要停止原地踏步。

这一篇文章，是我向前走的第一步。

把过去的归纳在一起，打包然后锁在心底。

这样，我才可以空出我的心，迎接未来要面对的事情。

再见了，我们曾经说好的梦想，就让它停留在当下。

成为回忆的养分，为回忆作最后的滋养。

过去的让它过去，留恋也无法挽留些什么。

请原谅我无法祝福你。

即使到了你结婚的那一天。

我也无法给你祝福。

所以，一切有关你人生的重大事件，我，都会缺席。

你，我，结束了。

成了这故事的句点。

改变

我想烫卷发,你们说好吗？？

Ugly Truth

What a sinful mankind!!

Human always fail, when we think we could do things on our own.
Human tend to follow our own desire, when we think its ok.
Human seldom remember God's presence is everywhere, when we are about to do something we desire to.

I have heard so many true stories from Christians around me....

Lord, Im sorry Lord, I finally know how much hurt i have gave You previously.
Im really sorry, and thank you for not leaving me for my sins, but yet You still love me very much.
Please use me Lord, I have seen the vision that You showing me.
Use me as You will.

People, please remember our God before we doing something which following our own desire.
Dont be like me, hurt Him over and over again in years.
when desire fate away, all we left is just regretness.

Girls, protect yourself, do not follow the world.
its dangerous and it doesnt even helpful to us.
when temptation comes, pray to God and run away.
dont fall in it again and again.
we are not only hurting ourselves, but we are hurting our dearest God too.

A memorable trip~

I like this pic!

we took this at a field behind the beach..
to be honest, i love going out trip with u guys...
lets have another round soon ok?
P.S: i already start planning!! =)


The most 'lady' picture that I had.. @.@
just simply because of the hat! ahahha


this pic is just so nice right?
of course not me. but the feeling and the overall for this pic...
Rou took this for me,
and i love this pic a lot!

I love to sing...

Dear Aijalonians...

This song fest would not be a wonderful one if any of you were missing..

truly its a joy for us to rejoice in Him,

but lets remember that we sing for the Lord,

not for ourselves...

Congratulations to all Aijalonians,

thanks for all your HEARTS that willing to sing,

thanks for the TIME that you willing to spend with us,

thanks for using the WONDERFUL voice that God gave us...

This year, im actually very blessed with my voice...

I didnt stop eating spicy food;

I didnt stop eating cold desserts;

I didnt purposely avoid eating durian.

but yet, i dont have sore throat at all...

=)

Thank You Lord~

New header

Thank you my darling, Rou~

=)

i always love your artwork...