Unacceptable

Unacceptable facts has been revealed to me recently.

I found out that all these while i was been deceived by the satan, but I still want to give thanks to the Lord that He prepared me mentally before He reveal the truth to me. if i knew it years ago, i might already commit suicide.

but, by His grace and mercy, He sustained me throughout the years. day by day He mould me, He trained me, He thought me, He guided me, He prepared me for this unacceptable event. He prepared me for it.

He knows everything.

again, i sincerely pray that God will carry me to walk this path of sorrow and pain with me. He loves me eventhough i am not worthy at all. His love is everlasting, powerful over all other things. have faith! i told myself.

2011 Excitement =S

Wow! 2011 is just 4 days away. =S

today, i went to my new company to sign offer letter, before i sign the letter, they required me to go to their company clinic to do a pre-employment body check up. i kinda worried about the result, because i scared my body got problem due to 22 years of anti-vege. but, guess what? doc said i am healthy... XD

so i returned to the company to meet the HR assistant, she gave me few documents to read, after i read, she brief me for the important things, lastly sign the documents, and initial the every page. ><

this is the first time i am going to work in listed company, its a BIG company for me. =S

well, 2011 is a total new year for me, new challenges - no matter in work, in church, even in family.

for work, i know i got a lot of things that i need to learn, because its a industry that i never involved before. 6 months probation period, every leave that i take will be unpaid leave, i now start to worried about camp, dont know whether they will approve so many days of unpaid leave or not.

for church, a new role for me, slowly i learned about the importance of a life. last time, i wasnt that willing to get involved to another person's life, because its troublesome. when i was a president in MI fellowship, i just think it is a responsibility, and i need to do things that i needed to. i dont care about what is the reason that another person leave church or stop coming to fellowship, i wont ask or find out when i see some people is not happy. but God taught me all these lessons step by step, He taught me to care for others. He is amazing! by feeling the burdens of others and sharing the burdens with them, is the main source that He taught me to look into other's life and take it seriously. thats why i always believe, God will show me the purpose when the lessons is over and learned.

for family, commited to meetings and trainings is a big struggle for me, there is nothing i can do, only can pray that my mum will understands me and support me about doing His work. i can foresee the coming days, my mum will keep repeat her anger towards this matter again and again. by that time, i just can ask God for His grace again and again, to help me go through every single one of it.

so, 2011, i looked forward to it. it will be a great step in life when its over, and i am sure i have a lot more lessons to learn along the way.

一颗心

最近，身边有太多太多的事情发生了。

今天早上的事情，让我一整天的心情都不好受。
到了傍晚，我的心里越来越重，压得我想哭。
所以就决定插手，亲自打电话并主动去了解。

回家的路上，我一直在自责，因为忽然觉得自己好像很多事，也自己骂自己，为什么没事找事来烦，把自己搞到好像这个又关我事，那个又关我事。

慢慢开始回想这几个月里，到底把多少个人的烦恼往身上扛，忽然想起一件很好笑的事，为什么我的头脑可以记得别人的烦恼，可是却忘记了自己要做的事情？难道我把脑海的空位统统装满了别人的烦恼？= ='''

这也许是神给我的恩赐，祂给我一颗细小的心，让我能看见细小的事。

谢谢祂，给我这样的一颗心。
谢谢祂，给我一双愿意倾听的耳朵。
谢谢祂，教导我如何去感受别人的感受。
谢谢祂，给我足够的恩典。
否则，我觉得我已经发疯了。

在我们的生命里面，总有起起落落的时候。
无论事情如排山倒海般冲向我们，
只要坚守自己的岗位，
举起基督的旗，
就可以了。

可是不要忘记每一件事情背后，
总有一个要点，
是上帝要我们学习的。

Oh NOOOOOOOOOO!

today is Christmas day, and today is also the first Christmas throughout my 22 Christmas, that I din go to church and remember my Lord's birthday.

I felt so bad, it was my fault because i din hear my alarm ringing, because i was too tired after a long day yesterday. I woke up when my aunt call me and ask me why i didnt go and fetch her to church, then i look at the clock, oh no! it was almost 10am.

so i go out and ask my mum why she didnt wake me when she hear my alarm, she start to scold me and she also say "why i want to call you to wake up, I dont want. when you want to go petra you will automatic wake up, when go pj then you wont wake up, bla bla bla......."

i admit it was my fault because i am too tired until i didnt hear the alarm rang. but i just dont understand why my mum always want to think that way she did. sigh...

sorry Lord, that I have made a very very silly mistake on the Christmas of year 2010.

Mum

Mum,

If i died young, this is the message that i left for you, i know you cant understand, but i know there will be people read this to you and translate it to you.

Ma, no matter how many times you throw my things away before you get my agreement; no matter how hard you scold me about the mindset that you have; no matter how many times you slap me on my face. it doesnt matter, you are still my mother.

again and again, i keep on repeating about the work that God has given to me, it might be very very small, and it doesnt even really count as 'a matter' in your eyes. but again and again i beg you, dont assume yuke bin is the reason that i choose to serve there, i told you for many many times, it may be yes for previously, but not now, not anymore. he is not a reason for me to be there every saturday since year 2010. i had let go of it, why cant you?

Ma, the reason i be there is i can see myself grow and learn to love people. not because of the broken bgr that u thought. i have told you for so many times, but yet, you still insisted it is. i am glad that i was born in a Christian family, and i also thank God for the things that He tought me through CMC throughout the years. i believe He has prepared me for a greater purpose, why cant you stand up and look a bit further and have a little faith?

there are so many things that i told you to make you understand, but everytime you will end up shouted at me and say i abondoned you. i am trying not to, because i know you only have 1 child, which is me. i did not forget that, i am trying my best to do things that i can with the ability that i have, but you demands me to follow exactly every single word you said, when i choose not to obey, then you will start to scold me and angry at me.

Ma, i just want to let you know, whatever i do there is not for the sake of my own self or some other reasons that you thought of. i do it because of God, for His people. i am just a tiny worker that God willing to use. everytime you scold me about car, you said i fetch other people more than i fetch you, and you also said if dad didnt pay the deposit, how can i get the car. when i answer you that this car is a gift from God, and if God didnt allow me to have one, then anyhow i wont get it. but you wasnt agree with me. you think i am stupid, wasted petrol money to fetch people without asking back money. yes i am that stupid, i believe God gave me enough grace to serve His people.

I am sorry that i did not follow everything that you said; i am sorry that i became a rebellion daughter in your eyes; i am sorry that i did not listen to you about which church i should go to; i am sorry that i broke your heart when i tell you i choose there instead of go back to CMC; i am so sorry for everything.


your daughter,
pei wen

Your will??

Lord, if this is Your Will,

then let Your Will be done.

Tho many trials and troubles are coming my way,
but Lord, help me to set my heart on You.

Family is a big struggle to me,

Lord, i know You knew it well.

if this is Your Will,

then im sure You will open a way.

习惯成自然

每天做同样的事情会变成一种习惯，
而习惯了之后，
会慢慢变成自然。

惧。

慌。


若非我所愿，何事乃我愿？
勿忘神话语，凡事系心切。

烦恼．忧伤．喜乐．感恩

这几天，几乎每天都有事情发生，把我憋得不想写东西。

钱的事情，一直都缠着我，我不想成为钱的奴隶。
可是怎么为什么我这么努力地打工，身兼多职，钱还是那么的少。
每个月给这个给那个，根本没得储蓄。
我开始讨厌自己有车，供车和汽油已经花掉70%的薪金。

星期五早上，当我要去中心的时候，发现车发动不了。
心开始慌，我只剩下20块钱，怎样叫人来帮我弄。
最后只好打电话给Uncle Jack, 他是Joshua的爸爸，Joshua是我妈妈顾的那个小孩。
Uncle Jack 帮我检查，然后出去买车的电池，回来后帮我换。
我问他那个电池多少钱，他叫我不要理，不要担心多少钱。
我在想，上帝一定是听到我的心里在喊，没钱的时候怎么来一个坏车事件。
祂知道我不知所措，所以为我准备了帮助。
Uncle Jack 在星期六早上就会带他的一家到Australia旅行，
两个星期后才回来，所以我说，上帝真的很奇妙。
祂的安排和帮助总是来得刚刚好，不会迟也不会早。

祂的手所造的一切和所安排的一切，
永远都是刚刚好，这是祂给我那些白白的恩典。

主啊！求你教我顺服，我知道我很倔强，可是求你一步一步带领我，教导我顺服的功课。

XD i 'heart' u all too!!!! =)

有些东西是金钱买不到的，也是爱情里面找不到的。
那就是你们。=)

真正的朋友是可以说真心话；
真正的朋友是可以坦诚相对；
真正的朋于是不需要掩饰；
真正的朋友不需要挂上面具；
真正的朋友是可以同享喜乐哀痛。

我知道我说的东西很肉麻，不过这显示我很珍惜我们之间的点点滴滴。
我不知道我的未来会怎样，没有人知道，只有上帝知道祂的计划是什么，
但是无论以后上帝要我怎样走，我希望，可以有你们一起走。

*Henri and Nic, i know you two need to use translator only can know what im writing above,
but just to tell you all that i love you all, all my bao brothers and bao sisters.

17 November 2010

Darling and me ~

This is my 'must-order' item in Zanmai. XD

a shop called Honeymoon, love their ice products,
this dark choc ice is awesome,
'kao' enough~ hahah

that day we all looked like foreigner,

back-pack, t-shirt, short pants, crocs.
then we go Sungai Wang, Low Yat, BB Plaza, Farenheit88 and Pavilion.

The reflection of us, the pic of the day~

6 cupcakes from cupcake chic, RM13.50 only,

by using special voucher from Group-more.

Sharing is caring, each cup cake gone to different people's stomach,

Me, Rou, Irene, Sin Huey, Connie and Nic.

hahah~~

24 November 2010

We went to Jogoya for my darling's advance bday~
im glad that you enjoyed it =)

Love you-all!!!!

MUACKS~

恩典

太多太多的事情，很想发泄在这里，可是手指不听使唤，无法去形容心里那么多复杂的心情。

确实，一种米养百种人，每个人在面具之下的面容，实在是无法想象。反过来想，我何尝不是一样？面对一些令我难受的人或事情，我一样挂上面具，一个企图掩饰我心情的面具。可是，我失败了。对不起，有些时候我真的不知道该如何把面具戴上。如果我脸上所反映的心情触犯到你，在这里跟你说声对不起。

我很累，一次又一次的伤害，令我真的觉得很累。我很想逃离，很有冲动想要逃离。可是，我偏偏做不到。

对，dillon说得对，我觉得难受是我的问题，我介意他们的言语是我的问题。因为这显示我不大方，不体谅，不善解人意。这样地告诉自己，会使我好过一点。

我不是个完美的人，所以我不够大方，不够体谅，不够了解，凡事都不足的我，需要神的恩典。22年以来，都是神的恩典让我活下来。13岁那年的车祸，是祂的保守，我才得以活下来。15岁那年被打枪，是祂安排路人来帮助我，不然，现在的我无法用右手写字。去年的碎镜事件,是祂派天使保护我，不然，我可能已经被杀死或者陷入车祸死掉了。

神的恩典是数也数不尽的，每一天的带领和保守，是无法用文字去形容。count your blessing, name them one by one, 神的恩典填补了我的不足，靠着祂我才能有勇气继续走下去。

惋惜吗？

最近我很喜欢一首歌 - 《最后纪念》，
细细地品尝其中的失落。
有时候，寂寞并不是太可怕，
寂寞让人回头看之前发生过的事。

回味记忆里的点点滴滴，
有好的，也有坏的。
好的坏的都一笑置之吧！
何必强人所难？
别人正享受热恋期，
己所不欲勿施于人，
为何把自己不满的情绪，
也拖累别人去承担呢？

别人对我不公平，
我却要对他更加的好，
这才是上帝要我学习的功课。
别人打我左边脸，
连右边的脸都转过去给他打吧！

爱人如己，连敌人也要爱，
这虽然很难，但是我会努力的！

《最后纪念》

还记得去年的今天
我们许了愿
说好了永远 不说再见
但现在你却离我那么遥远
在你的身边是否会发现
我们昨天的想念

对你而言我们之间
只不过像过眼云烟
你的世界我从不了解
你的改变我都看见
对你而言我们之间
不过是伤害多过甜
能不能再多爱一天
当作我们最后纪念

能不能再陪我过今夜

Life

I had a great time today with my besties, you girls had brighten up my day.
although i didnt share anything about my another side of emotion,
but i think its still the best for tonight,
because i know that if i said,
it will spoil the whole atmosphere...

~Seoul Garden~

nice and not bad to eat,

next time wanna go again

* rou darling next time we go k? ^^ *

my besties of my uni life

although we seldom contact after we graduated

but we know and we understand that true friendship will last
we learn to accept each other's weaknesses in the past 4 years

so, that is what makes us always stay together. =)

today, my emotion is in calm condition, compare to yesterday.

yesterday i was so tempted to update blog,

but i didnt type out any word,

for i know when i get emotions,

i will non stop writing and i dont care anything,

just type out everything in my heart.

at last, i overcame the temptation of update blog in bad emotion.

i am very happy when i know my friends around are protecting me,

they are just like the angels that God had sent to me.

i really thank God that He sent them.

to those who read my blog, here are my words for you:

sin huey & pui mun: thanks for knocking the door, but im sorry that i rejected your care at that time. coz i dont think i able to talk. if that time i start to speak, i will fail to control myself.

sin huey: thanks for being there for me when i needed to talk, thanks for keep assuring me that im not alone.

james: thanks for sms-ed with me when i ran away, thanks for calling me to go back, thanks for encouraging me. all these while, thanks for keep reminding me not to skip my qt as im not able to skip. XD

rou: thanks for blocking in front of me, it maybe look funny but i appreciated that. thanks for understands me just at the moment when you saw my face, i know you are not good in comforting people, but you use ur supporting action to support me, thank you.

nic: you are always stand behind me and support me, and thanks for spending time with me. i enjoy going out with u and henri, coz its so special that my 2 older brothers are protecting me, its so comfortable. no ned to hide, no ned to wear mask, jus be myself.

irene: your padding on my shoulder shown how much u cared for me, thank you.

dear all, i promise that i will be stronger,

by His grace that i could continue living,

so live a life for Him but not myself.

有些话我想说，

可不可以不要再伤害我？

我已经很努力地去忘记。

为什么总是要我从你口中再次听见那些我曾经从你口中听过的承诺？

我曾经陪你走过你最落魄的日子，

我曾经陪你走过日晒雨淋的日子，

我曾经陪你走过那些难熬的日子。

你刚买屋子的时候，那间屋子是多么的零乱和肮脏，

十年没有住人的屋子，里面的灰尘是多么地厚。

我鼻子敏感，有灰尘的地方我会一直打喷嚏，

可是我还是在那段期间，到那间屋子收拾垃圾，

弄得满脸灰尘，满手黑黑的。

收拾之后，就要开始洗屋子，

你可否记得我刷厨房的时候，被tina水弄到手脱皮，

拿刷子刷到指甲裂开，被割伤等等等等。

还有很多其他的事件，可是我不想要再提了。

可是你记得吗？一点点有吗？

我不要求你记得全部，我只要求你可以记得一点点，

记得我曾经的付出，然后不要再伤害我，

就这样简单而已。

用我曾经的付出来还换取你一点点的良心，

只要求你不要再伤害我，这样不过分吧！

要亲密，请滚到远远去。

请不要在我眼前，亲亲我我，抱来抱去。

请不要在大庭广众跟另一个女人说出那些你曾经对我说过的承诺，

从你的口中听两遍，而且是说给两个不同的人听，令我觉得恶心。

如果我妨碍了你们，请告诉我，我会直接离开petra，

回去我原来的生活，就当我从来没有跟winnie来过petra,

从来没有认识过你，更从来没有在一间叫petra的教会事奉过。

Its for you, my girl

Dear Huey,

When i saw u cry, i also feel like crying with you, but i know that i cannot, because i need to be strong enough to be a supporter to you.
you told me that you are forced to, dear, lets keep this in prayer.
if in the end, there is no willingness in everything u do, i believe God will do something about it. He always want us to serve Him in our joyful heart, if joy is absent in our serving, its all in vain afterall.

girl, i know that you will never listen to whatever i said. as i also telling the same thing over n over again to you, but it just cannot go to the point in your heart.

i really hope that you will try not to 'zhuan niu jiao jian' in this matter as soon as possible.
like the movie we jus watched few days ago, many things is just needed a first step,
in order to move forward, just the first step, then God will do the rest.

Charlie have been stucked in the promise for 5 years, his life is much more better after he took the first step to overcome the fear and to accept the fact.

God gave us chances, to repent, to be a better person. everything happened is not for fun,
it always has a purpose. dont let the pain stops u of seeing the purpose.
just like dont look at the single piece of puzzle and ignored the whole picture that the puzzle pieces are going to form.

everything happen in our life is like the pieces of puzzle, we need to get all the pieces,
put them all together, arrange it and put it according to where it should to be placed,
then only we can see the whole picture. isnt it?

here i wanna dedicate a song to you, this song actually helps me go through when i was so so so down. this song remind me of having faith in Jesus, our Lord.
Faith is not an easy word, it needed decisions and willingness. faith is like the process of picking up puzzle pieces and gathering them together, trying to arrange them without having a peak on the whole picture where it suppose to look like. its jus as simple as that, the first step that we got to take, on ourselves' willingness.

Jesus will still be there by Point Of Grace

Things change Plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise Hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day

When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as a steady rain

Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

Time flies Hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes Weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again

When the going gets tough
When the ride's too rough
When you're just not sure enough

When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

心情

换了新工作了之后，忽然在下午的时段多出了很多的空闲的时间。
因此，多了时间胡思乱想。
工作并不忙碌，但是脑袋却转得特别快。

这阵子一直下雨，每当我在路上看见在雨中的骑motor的情侣或夫妇，
我就想起了我们。

我们在一起的时间，不算长，但也不算短。
现在的你跟我们那时还在一起的你很不一样。
当时的我们都没钱，你刚出来工作，我还在上大学。
其实，我想念当时的你。
想念我们在雨中骑motor,被雨淋得湿湿的，回到你家的时候还被你妈妈骂。
想念当时为了省油钱，那段骑motor到处去的日子。
想念在motor上，从后面抱着你的安全感。
虽然每次我都会很担心会有危险，可是是你叫我相信你，不要担心。
因为你的话，所以我坐在你后面的时候，有着厚厚的安全感。

想念当时候，每个星期二四，我都会在下课后搭LRT去KLCC找你。
然后走路去你的公司，在楼下等你放工。
之后慢慢地走路去你停车的地方。
回你家吃饭，然后准备去cell group和bible study。

08年年尾，你换工了，换到dksh工作。
生活习惯改变了，不再搭LRT去KLCC，
但是却时常跟你的同事们一起出去。
我们见面的时间比之前多，因为你的公司就在我校舍附近。
有时你下午的时候累了，你就会去我当时的家睡午觉。
我放学回家看到你的车停在外面，就知道你一定在里面睡觉。
其实，我真的很想念当时的生活。

生活的点滴，是很难抹去的记忆。
我很想把你从我的记忆里删除，可是为什么这一些细节无法离开我？
你应该都不记得这一些小细节了吧！
可是我就丢不掉这些。
看见雨中的情侣骑motor,想起你。
看见dksh，想起你。
看见nissan sentra,想起你。
看见honda prelude,想起你。
看见很多很多的东西，都会想起你。
如果要写出来，我不知道要写多久。

就这样，感触应该适可而止就好了。

I seriously HATE this

i seriously seriously hate this!!!
my schedule for saturday runs like this,
wake up at 7am, then 8am start tuition till 10am.
finish tuition need to rush to subang zi wen to teach diabolo,
start at 11am and ends at 12.30pm.
after that rush to church, normally need to stuck in jam,
when i reach cheras, already 1.30pm.
spend some time to take lunch, as i normally wont eat breakfast,
coz no time at all.
2.30pm till dinner time is for youth,
then if end early, need to find place to hang out until 11pm,
why? coz ned to fetch my aunt home.

i stay at seri kembangan, my aunt stay at pj sect 14,
everytime she work night shift, i have to purposely go mid valley to pick her up,
send her back to pj, then i go back to sk again.

yes, normally she finish work at 11pm.
but she never be punctual in 8 times over 10 times.
she never be early but late.
sometimes 15 mins, sometimes half an hour.
the worst i waited is until 12,30am.

today, after a schedule started from 7am, im very tired.
and she come out at 12am.
when i reach home, its already 12.45am.

you know what? i seriously hate this.
my aunt has 4 brothers and 2 sister,
2 brothers at penang, one stay in puchong, another one at serdang raya.
1 of the sister is my mum, the other one stay at the house opposite to mine.
exclude those at penang, i stayed at the place which most far from mid valley.
puchong that one, jus ned to pass by the old klang road, then will reach mv.
serdang jaya that one, jus ned to go into seremban highway, turn left then reach mv.
did anyone who stay nearer to mid valley willing to fetch her.
NO, the answer is NO. they are not WILLING.
SELFISH!!!!!!! selfish people.

what are they doing while i sitting in the car alone,
wait until 12am, they probably is in their sweet dreams.
my aunt came out at 12am, after i drop her,
she would take a hot shower n go to bed.
what is she doing when i reach home at 12.45am?
most probably is in her sweet dreams too.
what is the feeling when i reach home, saw my parent all sleeping already,
and i have to open door, do my stuff softly?
everyone else is resting at 12.45am, but me?
i just reach home, since i left home at 10am after the tuition.
i seriously fed up with this.

even weekdays, i got to rush back from office,
to buy dinner for my mum,
after that tuition from 8.30pm to 10pm.
after tuition, need to rush out to mid valley to pick my aunt,
then go back all the way to sk again.

my aunt pay me rm100 for the petrol for fetching her.
u know what?
the whole journey for me to go out from home, fetch her n go back again.
total need 53 km, each km cost me rm0.15,
which means 1 trip cost me rm7.95,
if 1 month i fetch her 15 times,
it will cost me rm119.25 worth of petrol.
sometime in a month, not only 15 times.
some months is even more times. ish!!!!!!!!!
this did not include the priceless hours that i spend in the car to wait for her.
so what? the rm100 so big meh!!!

my mum very 'yin sat' one,
when the time i ned to fetch my aunt, no matter how late i got home,
even like today, 12.45am, she heh also wont heh 1 sound.
but when the times i go out with friends, or when i go to church for practice,
11pm she will start calling me, non-stop call me, scolding me in the phone,
even treaten me if 12am i haven reach home, she will lock the door. the internal lock.

WHY? i really hate this, and i had fed up!
i wanted to run away from all these,
why would i have to do this?
why would i just to suffer while everyone is having sweet dreams on the bed?
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really wan to walk away.
i really wan to escape.
i really wan to run.

family? u tot family all treat u real??
when my aunt earn money from share, n she wan to belanja makan,
everyone will come.
but when she work night shift, who will go to pick her up?
yin sat!! these people are all masked!
有福就同享，有难就不同担。

God, take away all these from me please!!!!
let me escape please!!!
im so tired, im tired of always do things for other people's good,
but not for my own good,
exchange all my resting time to trade for other people's sweet dreams.
in the end i jus bring myself suffer.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im going to be crazy!!!!!!!