也许

好久没有下笔了。

讨厌这样的自己，不哭不笑，什么都做不到。
我很想大大声地哭，可是偏偏，眼泪一滴都流不出来。

面具带多了，真的会误以为是真的。
人群中强颜欢笑，是我在2010年学会的。
现在，学以致用。

朋友再多都是假的。
在你疲惫的时候，有谁空出个肩膀让你靠？
在你面对压力的时候，有谁愿意分担？
在你内心沉重的时候，有谁来听你说？

我很累，
我不像你们，有个幸福的家庭。
我就快没有家了。
你们知道吗？

我不像你们，每天有一大堆空闲的时间，可以做自己喜欢的事。
我每天东奔西跑，好久好久没有做我自己喜欢的事情了。
你们知道吗？

我不像你们，家里有兄弟姐妹。
我一直都过着孤独的生活，因此我需要这些所谓的朋友。
你们知道吗？

你们，不知道。

我本以为，你们会了解我。
可是，在我面临悬崖边界的时候，
离我而去的，却是我最重视的你们。

也许，我一直都不被重视。

也许吧！

选择

是打击么？

我想，撒旦早已虎视眈眈。

应该是选择吧！

而这一个选择是操控在你的手里。

我不在这个教会长大，在这里的时间也不算久。

不过，看见这样的事情，确实让我很心痛。

心痛的是，我在这里学了很多我从前学不到的。

经历了很多让我学习坚强的事。

我可以选择离开，那是一个极为简单容易的举动。

如果我选择看不起这样的事情，我只需要回头，回去我原来的地方。

在那里也一样，事奉同一位上帝，信靠同一位耶稣，得着同一位圣灵。

我何必让自己去面对这样的事情？

我当然有权力选择如此。

因为，神给我们选择的权力。

只是在于，我要不要做出这样的选择而已。

我觉得我不需要。

确实，有那么一刻，我感到深深的失望。

一个让我向前跨一大步的教会，竟然会发生这样的事情。

更失望的是，竟然绊倒了很多人。

最失望的是，大家只看见别人脸上的灰尘，忘了自己背上的一滩泥。

也许很多人会认为，还留下来做什么？

我告诉你，如果圣灵感动你的心，你会看见与别人看见的不同之处。

用心，去体会吧！

当这个世界结束时，这种种的事情都会显得特别愚蠢。

所以唯有定睛仰望十架，才能以爱来看这个世界。

Frus-tra-ted

Toooooo many things are just not on the right track!

Oh God, perhaps its is the result of being a gone-astray-sheep??
I should start picking up AGAIN.
Rightaway.

Yea, things are going bad when you put God aside and do things on your own strength.
and yea, I am that stupid girl.



I am tired.
Really tired.
I am sick of playing hide and seek with God.
Im so sorry Lord Jesus.
Thank You for still loving me as You always do.

I knew I have been using my pack-up schedule as excuse..
not anymore..
not anymore...

有感而发

“原来思念也可以很温馨”

是的。

偶尔的回想过去的点滴，
确实是很温馨。

感恩上帝让我曾经遇见你，
因为曾经遇见过你，
与你擦身而过之后，
才教会我什么是幸福。

经过你之后，
我曾经因为伤害太深，
自卑于自己曾经犯的罪，
所以觉得自己很不洁，
没有资格再让别人接受我的过去。

坦诚？隐瞒？假装？
哈哈哈，这些并无法改变些什么。

如果可以，
就让我一辈子单身吧！
如果祢允许。


都怪最近发生的事，
让我想了好多。
不过，
最后的结论是，
还是单身最好。

如果我可以。。。。

如果我可以这样，那就会更好了；
如果我当时那样，那就不一样了；
如果我这样那样，那就是最好了。

哈哈哈哈哈，我只能笑。




我没有很喜欢某个，也没有不喜欢某个。
我们只是很谈得来，一天可以谈上百个简讯。
一直以来我不曾去想过，可是当这样的事情发生之后。
我开始很认真地去想，某个在我心里的定位是什么。
结果是，我找不到结果。

唯一有头绪的事，我对某个谈不上喜欢，可是没有反感。
正是矛盾到了极点。

我很小心地告诉自己，千万千万不能为了要忘了这个而去记住那个。
但是，不管是这个还是那个也好。
如果不是神所喜悦的，多少个这个那个也没有用。=/







如果我可以按Delete键，那该多好啊！
把那一晚的事，心跳的感觉，内心的挣扎。
统统都删除掉。


那就好了。

另一个你

哈哈哈，我只想大大声地笑自己。

美丽的误会？我想，也许是吧。
一个醉酒后无意的举动。
竟然缠绕着我的心，好几天都不肯散去。

我承认，我有心跳加速的感觉。
我承认。

我曾经心动。

不过，我只能不断地提醒我自己。
现实并不允许。

当画面如被按了重播键般地一直不断重复。
我只能如此地提醒自己。
那并不是某种暗示。
也是什么明示。
它只是一个无意的动作。








我已经好久好久没有心跳的感觉。
请允许我贪婪地好好享受一番。
纵然那是没有结果。
就让我对自己自私一些。

So what?

last week, i send in my leave form for camp, when i hand it over to my superior, she just sign for me without asking anything. after she signed, i still need my department manager to sign and approve it.

so, this story starts on yesterday. monday morning, my department manager call me to go into his room. of course, i went in la! guess what he ask me?

he said, amy, what is this? i said its for church camp. then he said, you are the first person took leave when they are still in probation. i just answer him 'oh'. well, i dont care whether i am the first one or which ever it may be, its unpaid leave anyway, you are going to deduct my salary, so what? you think i am scared of your words?

so, he noticed that i doesnt care, so he continue his words. he said to me, do you know why last year got few people didnt get any bonus at all? i answered, dont know. then he reply, its because they took many mc and unpaid leave. now you are in probation, we need to value you by your performance. now you take leave when you are still in probation, do you know it will affect your performance and you might not get any bonus at the end of the year?

my answer was still the same 'oh'. after that, he just say, this time i let you thru, but be careful if you have next time. so, i replied, ok thanks. then walked off.......

............................... i was like = =''''! he is trying to threaten me by using bonus and so called performance. well, i just want to say that, i dont care. i dont need your bonus to survive, my God is Jehovah Jireh, He will provide what i need. so, dont hope for threatening me with money will make me change my mind. i can tell you, i serve God, not money.

Its a lie

Its been months since i used english to express myself. =p


I tried my best to avoid myself updating blog when i having moody mood, so that i wont simply say things that i am not suppose to say. but, how? its simple, just click the X after i click the 'new post'.

seriously, i am actually down for a few days. especially when come to this extend that i need to mentor my members on BGR while i myself are in such condition. my mind started to fight like having a war since last saturday, when David annouce next 2 weeks P1 will be on BGR topic. a lot of things came in my mind, and they troubling me for many days.

i was wondering, what should i share during mentor? i did not set a good example for them in this topic, what should i tell them? how am i suppose to answer their questions when i myself failed in this topic? who am i to tell them to act in love while i myself hating them who betrayed me? should i tell them what should they do while i failed in doing it?

when i start to question myself, memories came back. my mind keep flashing back everything, happy sad joy sorrow etc etc. tuesday evening, when i am on my way home, i heard a song where i loved the most. that song were randomly played by my modulator, its 'can i have this dance' from high school musical 3. just when it reached the chorus, my tears started to drop. why? its because my mind flashed back an incident just happened on 4 months ago. after that, my tear drop even more when i recall what Kayson told me during the time when i share with him about that incident. Kayson said, its a lie.

Throughout the song, this phase 'its a lie' kept repeating again and again. at that point of time, i just take out my phone, and i started to search for Kayson's name, i was so so so tempted to call him and cry out my stress. but, somehow, i did not make that call, because i know, i shouldnt pull other people into my own problem.

sigh, my heart told me to run, run away to set myself free from all these chains.



God, what's on your mind?

逃避

我想逃。

可以吗？




接下来的两个星期六，我可以逃离案发现场吗？

我很累，我不想再逼自己去面对。

我讨厌看到我不想看见的画面。
我讨厌你，讨厌你们。



允许我离开，可以吗？

又怎样?

心

酸

如此的朋友，要不要也罢。

I · H · M · F · L · A · Y

I.

Hate.

Myself.

For.

Looking.

At.

You.

休 · 暂

终于。


暂时喘口气。



我知道我的性格很火爆。
如果你懂我，
你们会发觉，
我会站起来捍卫我认为正确的事情。

结果，架-吵了，脸-翻了。

我相信，你知道我生气了。


可是，我学习尊重，尊重代表把自我挪开。
所以我选择静静地离开，因为我尊重你，也尊重我们的友情。

无声

我觉得很累。

上帝啊！
请你快快让我完成你要我在这世界上的工作，
然后快快带我走吧！

这个世界越来越黑暗，
人们都爱盲目地追随不会长久的东西。

我倦了。

厌倦把委屈往肚里塞，
厌倦这一些些的制度，
厌倦这个世界。

悲哀

有一段时间没有写东西了，主要是因为最近发生很多事情，情绪起起伏伏，写不出什么好东西。


近来，发现身边的人，很多都活在一个自我幻想的世界里面，实在是悲哀啊！

回头想想，我自己也曾经如此的悲哀，活在自己想要拥有的世界里面。幻想着这是最美好的，把一些不会成真的东西看得比自己还重要。

空虚的空虚，一切都是空虚，这是所罗门王说的。他拥有一切他想要的东西，可是到最后，他发现，这一切都是空虚的。

一人不能侍候两个主人，它其实不只是指金钱，其实是在说我们个人所认为的完美世界或你所认定的人生中心点。

因此，人啊！定睛仰望十架吧！十架上的宝血可以帮助你把你自己所创造的世界丢掉，然后把你人生的目的专注在十架上。

Unacceptable

Unacceptable facts has been revealed to me recently.

I found out that all these while i was been deceived by the satan, but I still want to give thanks to the Lord that He prepared me mentally before He reveal the truth to me. if i knew it years ago, i might already commit suicide.

but, by His grace and mercy, He sustained me throughout the years. day by day He mould me, He trained me, He thought me, He guided me, He prepared me for this unacceptable event. He prepared me for it.

He knows everything.

again, i sincerely pray that God will carry me to walk this path of sorrow and pain with me. He loves me eventhough i am not worthy at all. His love is everlasting, powerful over all other things. have faith! i told myself.