no longer emo.. XD

I was craving for cake.

so... i decided to bake one...

btw, my new oven has a fan function...

which my previous oven doesnt have that.

(Thank to Nic Kim for choosing this oven for me, now trying out this new function.)

i on the fan function when i first started to bake. so half way it looks like this.

V

the surface is so nice and smooth..

and the both side is balance...

i wanted to try out how it will be when i off the fan.

so, i off it.

when the cake is done, it became like this...

V

look so ugly.... ><

God is there

He is amazing, He is always awesome!!
Thank you my Lord, thanks for comfort me and stay with me by my side.

everytime when im emo and down, i will pay extra attentions to the lyrics of those songs that came into my mind. then i will automatic to sing it out.

those songs are the message that God is trying to tell me. sometimes I am stubborn, i will refuse to listen to what He had whisper to me. so now when i refuse to listen, He will tell me through songs.

He is just amazing because His words makes me surrender to Him willingly.

还是不甘

看见那个曾经坐在我的身边，握住我的手的人。
昔日的笑容，已不再为了我而展开。
你，刚刚决定要放开我的手，转过身，就去抓住另一个人的手。
这，不公平。

咒骂着自己，为什么还那么笨？
可是，骂了又怎样？
心脏还是会抽痛，一股酸酸的液体还是会从心里涌出来。

其实，假装是很辛苦的。
带着一幅我不在乎的面具，真的很辛苦的。
内心里有满满的在乎，但却无法表露出来。
这真得很痛苦的。
可是，谁能懂？
别人是无法体会的，只有耶稣了解我。

想象

开始在想象离开petra后的生活，发现少了大家，我的生活会很安静，极度平淡，没有色彩。

其实，我很享受有大家在一起的感觉，如果忽然少了大家，一切都会变得不同了。
如何不同？我无法用言语形容。

换个角度来思考，我们觉得好的东西，在上帝的眼里，未必是好的。
上帝有他自己的计划，无人晓得。
我不知道这一次的打击，是来自上帝还是来自撒旦。
但是我相信，我不会因此而被打败。
选择与否，我决定不参与其中。
如果在上帝的计划里面，我是不属于petra的话，那上帝自然有他自己的方式，让我离开。

离开后，也许我不会回到原来的地方，因为那里，我已经失去了归属感。
回去只是责任。参与服事只会是为了履行责任，爱的成分，早已烟消云散。
所以，失去了爱的成分的服事，在上帝的眼里，是不被喜悦的。
那我回去也没有用。

Labour with LOVE.

心

我狠不下心。
如果我需要离开，请教我如何离开。

如果我离开，我的生活会有180度的转变。
少了大家。我承受得起吗？

我自问，我不行。

为什么没有两全其美的方法？
我求了三年，到最后为什么还要选择？

对不起，原谅我的任性。我不想选择。




我不要选择。

what is the best?

if i give up. i will lose everything i have in these 3 years
if i stay. i will continue to be tired in adjusting both side
if i come over. i will be a daughter that not honouring parent
so? what is the best?

烦

这几天我的脑海正在进行第二次世界大战，乱得我快晕了，压得我喘不过气。

从一开始，想起他，回忆像电影般重演。慢慢，发现自己原来利用她来取代他，对她有深深的愧疚，开始害怕这一段友谊，会对她造成负担。想要离开，惊觉原来我放不下这三年所结交的弟兄姐妹。

有一股冲动要离开，回去我原来的地方，回到过去的生活圈子。因为，我累了。每个星期天，看见诗班在台上唱歌，有一股声音轻轻地在我耳边响起，你不是应该在台上的吗？为什么你坐在这里？我的心，有满满的愧疚。原来，我没有给上帝我的最好。

我应该回去吗？虽然我回去了之后，父母会很开心，因为不会再有人指指点点，也没有人在谈话之间话中有话，令我的父母为难。但是，我放不下我的朋友们，如果我回去，我就失去了现在拥有的友谊。

上帝似乎要我回去，他让我看见，回去了之后，可以加入青团，参加堂会诗班，上青年主日学等等。可是，我不敢尝试，我不敢放手。单纯的只是因为，我害怕失去。

改变

今天的我特别感性，在车里哭了两次。也对，好久没这样发泄了。发泄了也好，内心不再那么的沉重。

七个月前的我，失去了我一生中最看重的人，他是我生活的中心点，发生了什么事，无论是快乐还是悲伤，他是我第一个想要分享的人。忽然之间，失去了这个中心点，让我无法适应。

因此，我把这样的依赖转移到我的好姐妹的身上，我让她取代他。这是我自私的行为，我把她变成一个新的中心点，一个让我依赖的地方。 对不起，是我的自私害了我自己，也同时对她造成了很多的不舒服的地方，导致她对我烦躁。对不起，是我自私。

我的自私，让我觉得不快乐，因为当我开始依赖一个人，我会期待。所以当我开始依赖她，我开始期待，期待她可以填补他的空缺。

可是，我知道，她的性格，是艺术家性格，不能受拘束。所以她，无法填补他的空缺。是因为我自私，擅自期待她可以给我那些我所期待的，是我自己给自己造成伤害。

给她，我知道你其实没有想过这个问题。因为你是一个单纯的人，而我，是一个自私又贪心的人。对不起，因为我期待你会给我更多依赖的地方，虽然我明明知道你的限度在哪里，只是，我以为，友情真的可以取代爱情。其实根本不可以，友情始终是友情，就算是多要好，都无法填补爱情在生活中留下的空洞。对不起，因为我曾经期待你可以给我更多的友情来填补这一些空洞。所以，在我还没有伤害我们之间的友谊之前，我很坦然地告诉你，谢谢你，因为我有你这一位好朋友，但是我还怕我会变得更加依赖，我怕我会期待更多，我怕我会更粘你，所以，离我远一点吧！或者这么说，我会离你远一点，以免我对你造成伤害。

是时候了

我知道我那突如其来的一番话，肯定让某个人吓着了，她口里一定在念，这是什么乱七八糟的东西，乱搞一堆有的没的。


我忽然觉悟，我不适合有太要好的朋友或情人，因为我会慢慢变成依赖。
我比较适合独来独往。









是时候，抽身离开了。

不甘

回头看，我确实真的很不甘心。
太多太多的画面，如同电影般一直在我的脑海里重播，心里有满满的不甘心。
可是，不甘心又能怎样? 这不甘心根本不能改变些什么。








最后的最后，只能一直一直地把这些不甘压抑下来，把它们统统塞在心底深处。

Something Silly

I did something really silly this morning..... ><

you know what? i dreamt that i was in hospital looking for someone, together with me there are few more people but i dont know who they are. then we found Rou sitting on her bed and doing some handcraft things, so we all step back coz dont wan to disturb her.
the next scene is we saw the handcraft thing was hanging on the window, so we took it down and see, but at the same time Rou walk out from somewhere, and she tot we wanted to steal it, so she shouted at us and scolded us in japanese language, then she cried and run away. after that the nurse came, she also scolded us in japanese language and shoo us away. so, we all leave there with disappointment.

then i woke up after that, with tears on my face. i cried. in both dream and reality. =S

so stupid and silly right?? dont know why i would have such a dream. but if it happened in reality, i think i would have fainted on the spot.

LOLs

.............

She is really a very important friend in my heart, and this is the 2nd time i had ever cried because of my best friend. first one was Sue May, a girl who messed with me since form 1, i cried when we was in the huge arguement and it was almost broken our relationship, that was in year 2007 if not mistaken. the 2nd was you, Lee Rou Sang. although i know you for only 1 year plus, but we can get along very very well.

well, i love you, my sisters. you two are the only person that i will listen to when i know i did something wrong. besides, you both is the one i can be patience with and u two also will be patience with me. really love you! and i mean it!!!

What a wonderful Brother's Day

WOOF!!! Finally its DONE!!!

its tiring and stressful for planning the SPECIAL day for our brothers, but im happy that you guys like it.. hey brothers of Aijalon, u all gam dong or not ar?? XD

about the food, i would like to say millions of thanks to our sisters, especially sister Dawn, she is sick but she is still helped us to make her 'na shou' mashed potato!!
Ezra, for all the 'steak' that she prepared! im sure u guys like it very much, right?? =p
Suet Ling, for all the sausages... and so sorry that i was late this afternoon to fetch u... (neh, itu Rou lah~ =p)
Esther, for the super nice coleslaw that she prepared!!
last but not least, my dearest deputy, i gaved her a super duper difficult job, cook the mushroom sauce. it sounds easy but the problem is i didnt prepare the can opener for her.. hahahha... so she tok tok tok the can with the spoiled can opener for at least 10 mins... XD

besides the food, thanks to Suet Ling and Eemay, the game mastress of the day... Belinda, the girl that helped us to walk here walk there.. =p then to all the girls of group Aijalon, thanks for willing to go up to the stage and dedicate the love song to our brothers.. although it is not the best that we could give, but we did our best! right?? so cheers~~

LASTLY!! of course is my darling Rou Rou lah~~ i realised, i actually have a BEST friend that is totally diffrent KEY with me.. lol! but its true, she is super creative, but im the least creative; she is very bad in the sense of money but im very good with that XD; i can count very fast but she couldnt.. she need a little more time to understand the figure; she is great fan of a korean group, i dont, but we still can talk a lot! A LOT weh!! = =''' weird lah~

opps, i seems to be out of topic d.. hahahaha XD
anyway~ BIG thanks to all the girls who helped out in the Brothers day, EVERYONE!!
sorry if i was harsh when i ordered you to do work when im busy.. SORRY k??
without you all, the brother's day wont be a successful one!! Love ya!!!

XD

Amy : 我发觉，我越来越不善于表达。
SinHuey : 只要在对的时候说对的话就可以了。

Amy : 我发觉，我越来越喜欢隐藏自己的感觉。
SinHuey : 不要自言自语没人睬，快把痛苦说出来。

Amy : 我发觉，我越来越容易放开那些突如其来的感觉。
SinHuey : this is what you always tell me " let go your feeling."

Amy : 我发觉，我越来越忽视我心里的感觉，这是好还是坏？
SinHuey : 不见得是件好事。


LOLs

是好还是坏？

我发觉，我越来越不善于表达。
我发觉，我越来越喜欢隐藏自己的感觉。
我发觉，我越来越容易放开那些突如其来的感觉。
我发觉，我越来越忽视我心里的感觉，这是好还是坏？

Nervous??!!

oppsss... the Bilangual subeditor is gone... it totally proved that my english is not good at all... although I didnt admit my english is good at the very first place....

tomorrow gonna have an interview for a writer, still praying that hope i can get this job... i wanna do something more interesting than doing those boring documents in legal firm everyday... T.T

Im sorry, im not good in admin job, because it is too boring as i have to repeat the same thing every single day.... I need a job that can let me discover new things and learn more!!

ps: this conclude that im not a material for becoming a lawyer..... I will rather choose to become a full-time coach than become a lawyer....

Its hard

I just do not know how to express my fed-up-ness...

Its time for me to move out again, I need to stay outside in order to be independent.

sometimes i wondering, i moved out, why am i so stupid and moved back again...

its been just one year since i move back to stay with my family, just one year..

i started to feeling

执著

现在的我身在云顶。

刚刚进了赌场走了一圈，看见很多行尸走肉的人，一脸执著地把钱往赌场送。我不明，为何这一群人，可以心甘情愿地把钱放在那根本无法预测结果的桌上。

人们，赌博可以为你们带来什么益处呢？为何你们可以如此认真地去把钱财白白地送给别人？

真可悲！！！

Little little things in Life

What is LOVE??

the first intention of answering this question will definately be the boy girl relationship.
but not many people could realise that there are many types of love besides BGR.

Love with God;
Love with parent;
Love among bro and sis;
Love among friends;
Love among neighbours;
Love towards strangers;
Love towards the people you hate;
Love those who hate you;
Love those who hurt you; etc etc etc

words are easy to say but hard to put it in action.
but by God's grace, things became easier to be put into actions.
so the decision is still with us, whether we choose to love, or not to.
sometimes, showing kindness to the people that you dont like is also a way to express your love too. =)

人生

很多人都认为，最好的人生就是事事顺利，无风无浪。我觉得，这种人，很可悲。

在我的知识范围以内，我知道，人生永远不可能事事顺利，反而会有很多的问题冲着你而来。最重要的事，要经得起风风雨雨。因为，唯有经过了风雨的考验，你才会成长并变得成熟，待人处事才可以变得稳重。

可是，人类的生命是何其的软弱及脆弱。如果我们要单靠自己的力量去完成我们人生里面的风风雨雨，恐怕我们无法胜任。

我，是软弱的。但是，我很庆幸。因为有你在我的生命里面，一个永远不会放弃我，也不会离开我的朋友，耶稣。

这全是恩典

我成为现在的我，全因为你，我主。
这将会是一个全新的开始，重拾自己的心情与方向，放下之前的重担，重新出发。

曾经，有一位姐妹在我很失落的时候告诉我，其实神已经原谅了你，那你为何还要把自己锁在里面，不肯原谅你自己呢？
这是我重新站起来的动力。

共勉之。