It matters

I do not know I was actually providing bad impression for others all these while. But who doesn't have their terrible and horrible past? I had, and I was dwelling in the past for almost a year.

Yes, I do dwell in the sorrow myself and locked myself out. But years past, things changed. Now in 2014, I no longer think the same way as I did last time. 4 years ago, I thought I would never talk to both of them anymore. But eventually ,by God's grace, I learnt to forgive. I did forgave them and now we are friends and coworkers in Christ.

For those who knew me long enough to know my past and witness my changes all these years. I just want to say that there is no need to tell people about my changes by words, because if you are a close friend of mine, you would have notice it.

I don't care what you think of me but I do care about how God think of me. I give accountability to God, Him alone.

它不停地快转

时间过得好快！
在华校任教已一个多月了。

一直被调动搞到我开始厌烦，
才刚上手的事情又得交给别人，
然后又要开始适应新的东西。

每天要驾2个多小时的车程，
确实累人啊！

可是埋怨后又怎样？
还不是要这样生活下去。

有时候常想，
为何有些人不愁吃不愁穿，
而我却在为下一餐担忧。

可是想过又怎样？
生活还是一样继续。

Lazyness

最近，我变得很懒。
常常以生活上的变化为藉口，而不想去做灵修。
想起之前你刚刚去别州念书的时候，都是我每天sms灵修给你。
可是现在都是你先sms给我，让我越来越惭愧。

我们说好要交换灵修的，可是我常常都没有sms我的灵修给你。
虽然我懒了下来，不过你还是坚持每天都寄给我。
谢谢你，没有因为我懒了而不理我。

每当收到你的灵修，心里总有暖暖的感觉。
感谢上帝让我们彼此有这样的习惯，常常都是你在鼓励我，叫我不要太担心这个那个的。
虽然我们在见面的时候，都很少当面讲话，但是私底下的我们却每天都在交谈。
也许是我们都常常避开对方的眼光，严格来说，是我担心自己的眼神对向你的眼神。
担心被你看穿，担心你以为我期待些什么。
其实我不期待什么，只想保持这样的状况，因为我害怕改变。

良师

这是我们离开校园的第七个年头。

时间过得好快好快。

友情的保质期限，往往建立在我们对他人的真心。

2012年，是我们友谊的第十二周年。

照片里有一位对我们都很重要的老师。

我们都称她为Pn.Lee，她是我们的英文老师。

同时，她也是课外活动主任。

这一位老师，是我在中学时期启蒙我的良师。

中学时期，我常常到她的办公室里转来转去。

常常替她打理课外活动的事宜，报告来报告去的忙得头昏脑胀。

不过，这位良师给了我很多的机会去站在人前。

她看见我埋藏着的一面，并鼓励我要表现自己。

所以，就因为她，我在周会时站上了讲台，指挥。

整个礼堂的人都望着我，口缓缓地在动。

唱着他们不想唱的国歌州歌，心里在想，这人在做啥？

其实当时的我很害怕，几百对眼睛望着我，身边站着又的是校长老师。

很压力的。

就这样，像我这样的傻子，每个星期一就站在讲台上把手挥来挥去。

就这样过了两年。

这个可贵的经验，是来自这位可爱的老师。

从新 · 从心

我知道。

我开始喜欢你。

只是，我不愿意承认。

我们之间有很大的距离，可是偏偏我们却在言语间靠得那么近。

每天早上，总会打开那本书，用手机拍了一页，写上简单的问候，再搜寻你的名字，把信息寄出，然后傻傻地期待你的回复，并再多聊几句。就这样断断续续的，持续快两年了。上个星期，你忽然说你拿了一本书，我顿然失望了一下，想象着每天早上的习惯要被暂停，心里有些不好受。可是在谈话之间，我们竟然决定要交换灵修,这实在是出乎我意料之外。昨天早上八点收到你的灵修，让我不经意地从心里笑出来，这样的感觉好温暖。最重要的是，我知道你是一个很稳重的人,所以我会信赖你，依赖你对于我的关怀。期待你在我上线的时候给我一个笑脸，然后听我说一大堆新奇的事,听我投诉我不开心的事，然后你总是会告诉我，不要担心啦。

太多太多了。

生命的动力

惭愧自己没有努力的去追求,错失了很多学习的机会。
立下心志，要扎根于真理，这样才可以让神使用。

这一年，将会是全新的经历。
新的挑战，新的挣扎。
只能将这一切都仰望交托，唯有袮是我继续下去的动力。
信靠袮能祝福我手所做的工，让更多的人蒙恩蒙福。
信靠袮会让我们成长，坚信袮救恩的福音。

我-坚-信。


最近，某人几乎每天都主动找我聊天。
让我常常想歪一边。  XD
不想期望些什么，只能继续把这样的心动藏在心底。
持续的心动，似乎在告诉我我应该允许自己进入喜欢的阶段。
不过，我会继续地祷告。
如果不是祂的旨意，我不会让自己陷入不会有结果的局面。
因为我曾经不听祂的话而让自己遍体鳞伤。
这样的教训，一次就足够了。

新年蒙恩 Blessed Chinese New Year

Yeah, CNY is just around the corner, its a time for reunion.

at first was planned to go melaka for a trip (AGAIN), but due to some reason that i hate the most, i got to cancel it. need not to express my emotions here, because this is about chinese new year, not about that trip. =)

anyway, this year i have done quite many changes in my outlook because i feel that to let go of the past, i can do something to signify as a new start, as i moved forward from the pain.

I thought of perming hair and try dye hair as I have never tried before, but if i do both together it might be too harsh to my hair, so i decided to seperate both and do after 1 month. haiz, i should have colour it first then only perm it, because the colour not really seen at the part that have permed. hmm nvm, try again next time! first time mistake then learn from the mistake lo. XD

Oh ya, Joshua is 2 1/2 years right now. he is really a boy that makes me love and sometimes frustrated with him, hahah! He can talk almost everything and we can have complete conversations. he already know how to count, capital letters and small letters, he can read them all and even spell it out. he is really a smart boy, God loved him very very much as he love God so much, every morning do devotional with his dad, never fails.


God is amazing, truly amazing! His timing is just right at the time. every time my car broke down or somebody did something to my car, it didnt happen when i'm alone or happened to me directly. He know that i will be panic and dont know what to do. thats why He sent me angels in human form, my best friends to help me. <3

done with all those things that can be seen, now its turn things that unseen, my emotional. I promised God i got to let go of the past, I told Him that i make a decision and im willing to let it go. no more hatred, no more unwillingness, no more feeling over small matters about them, no more looking at their actions, no more, no more.

God always give me assurance when i have made a decision, last saturday, pyp held a talk for Forgiveness, then on the next day, my pastor talked about anger in church morning sermon, its just in timing and God answering to my decision. so i will sincerely pray that God will strengthen me to do this.

"When a deep injury is done to us, we will never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

Its true, I will never recover if i did not forgive him who did that to me. sometimes, I don't want to forgive is because i do not want to accept that it has happened. but what had done is done, i dont have a time machine to go back in time and fixed it until what it seems perfect to me. so, to move forward, i got to let it go. only by letting go of the pain and hurt, then i can have more space in my heart to accept a new unknown future from God.

Thank you God for answering my prayer and assure me that what i have decided is achievable. 

Give thanks with a grateful heart. 

To my dearest Brother

Dear Henri,

we have been knowing each other since year 2006, right? I still remember that we worked part time together, drive me to work and return from work everyday. last year, you even purposely come to digital mall just to help me choose a suitable laptop. many times when i need transport, you will never reject to fetch me even though i lived either at PJ or Seri Kembangan. I remember all your goodness to me brother, and i truly appreciate all these from you.

I have read your recent blog post, glad that you treat 4 of us as your important person in your life, so do I. do you remember? i addressed you all as my angels, my angels that God sent to protect me. you are important to everyone of us, so please dont think of leaving us just to make us remain together. this circle of friends are belonged together, i hope u do agree with me.

you walked through ups n downs with us personally, do allow us to walk with you too. we always support each other, thats what true friendship is, right?

I didn't cry for quite some time, but my tears drop when i read ur blog and my eyes are still wet when i am typing this. everyone has their hard times, many things in life is against us, against our will. there is a quote that encouraged me when im in my darkest period 'man's ending is God's beginning.' i hope you understand the meaning behind. all these hard times are to make us even more stronger, its the tool that God used to mold us.

Let go and let God.

we love you, very much. God loves you, even more than you could imagine.


your sister,
Amy

友

友谊需要时间和精力去建立和维持，并不是说来就来说走就走的。我明白每个人都有自己的情绪落差，可是不能因此而拒人于千里之外，令我实在心疼与失望。 朋友是在你身边陪你起起落落的人，并非你想要说话就说话，不想理就不理。也许你认为你能够自己承担一切，那就随你所愿吧！

眼看身边的人常常陷入无法自拔的状态，我实在无话可说。明明知道那是一条不归路，可是偏偏就是一直横冲直撞。你最重视的东西就是你的心所归属的地方，这是上帝说的。

不过，朋友就是要互相接受，我只会在背后默默地为你祷告。盼望有一天，你能醒悟过来，追求太多属世的东西，会令你在不知情的情况之下，慢慢变成你属世的主人。

我怎么了？

最近，总有一些些的冲动，想去学习如何再爱上一个人。

我发现自己其实已经准备好了。

不愉快的事情经过了两年的洗涤，其中的怨恨早已被冲淡了。其实，我已经不再恨他和她，一切都已成了定局，何必再怨恨呢？不想跟他们有任何的瓜葛，纯粹是不想要提醒自己曾经被如此地伤害过，所以才选择跟他们划清界限。

我曾经抚心自问，如此的冲动是不是为了要忘掉他。惊觉自己原来对他已没有依恋，不再心跳加速，不再把目光停留在他的身上。果然，要忘掉一个人，确实不容易啊！这个人，让我在过去的两年流了多少的眼泪，多少次的心绞痛。回忆起五年前我们为对方许下的承诺，我只会微微一笑，告诉自己，都过去了！一切都过去了。这个曾经让我如此爱恋的人，如今的他已不是我之前所爱的他，所以他所许下的承诺，已经随着旧的他一起死去了。

坚信祂已经为我准备了最好的，在最好的那一个还没有来到之前，我必须先装备自己，让自己在未来的日子可以成为一个称职的妻子。原来这两年的试炼是上帝陶造我的工具，好让我在今时今日可以对自己坦诚，并将荣耀归给祂。

祂给我一个成长的机会，如今的我终于明白了这一切背后的动机。这样，我才能够在这一刻，虔诚地祈祷，告诉上帝 - “我准备好了！”

埋藏

我想哭。
我想大大声地哭。

无法接受
面临崩溃

很讨厌
很讨厌12月

两年前的12月，我曾经是如此的伤心。
没想到，两年后的12月，又再发生让我伤心崩溃的事情。

从来没有想过会有这样的结果
满心期待的一天
竟然是我梦里的想象而已

都怪我
无端端干嘛去提出这样的建议
到最后
只是让自己心碎

已经打包好的行李
现在已经一无是处

为了这个旅程而辞职的我
显得非常的愚蠢愚昧
是我傻
满满的期待
换来
满满的心碎

怪不了别人
是我自己笨
是我自己让自己陷入经济困境
是我自己害自己天天被妈妈骂

我决定了
从今以后
我不会再提议任何的出游
不会再计划任何的旅程
安分守己
做自己的本分
安安定定过日子就好了

我对自己极度失望
从今以后
不再期待任何的事情了

无题

我从未有如此地忧虑过。

First step to a land

For those who dont know where i have been from 10th to 15th Nov,

im glad to let you know that, 

i've been to Chiang Rai for a short mission trip.

my church funded few churches in that area,

so this time, our trip has scheduled to visit 2 of it only.

one was Bandoi, another one Ruammit.

the very first time for me, Amy Pooi to step out of Malaysia.

YES, this is the first time.

i have never been to singapore or thailand eventhough they are so near to us.

so, this trip is the first time i go out from malaysia and sit on a plane.

first time sitting on a plane was really excited.

because that is the first time i can see the clouds so clearly and the blue blue sky.

after 3 hours flight from LCCT, we reached Chiang Mai airport.

upon check out, straight go into the van, starting of a 5 hours journey.

along the 5 hours journey, we drop by the hot spring at Chiang Rai for around 15 mins.

they all went to soak their feet in the hot spring, 

but i didnt, because i dont dare.  ><

first meal in Thailand, it was nice, but the portion is quite small.

this restaurant is just located along the road side when we are on our way to Bandoi,

above the restaurant has a small wooden house for people to visit.

thats why need to take off shoes before entering.

town area at Chiang Rai.

we went here to do many stuffs like photocopy some exercise for children program,

buy medicine for medical service, tidbits for kids, soap and towel as gift to the people.

Chiang Rai is consider an outskirt area in Thailand,

but yet they had FREE WIFI at the bus station.

malaysia, HAIZ..............................

this is the school beside the church in Bandoi.

morning they have kindergarden, teaching in chinese.

afternoon they have chinese school for all ages, 

from 5pm to 7pm (if i not mistaken),

so the kids will come to this school to learn chinese after their formal schooling hour.

so, these Ahka tribe learning Thai language in compulsory formal school,

they can also learn chinese in this school, but many of them didnt come and learn chinese.

this is the first program we did at Bandoi on the first day we reach Thailand.

some of them still dressed in school uniform because they just finish school,

then they straight away rush to the chinese school for chinese class.

left is the church, right is the school.

oh ya, we were staying in the school for the first 4 days.

This is another church, located at Ruammit,

30 mins journey from Bandoi. 

the decoration is for the thanksgiving day.

they are harvesting now, so they had thankgiving day during our visit.

the Ahka hymnbook is the book i read the most when i was in their church.

i cant stop myself from looking some songs that i know, 

and try to sing in their language.

arhh, its hard. their language is very hard to pronounce.

This is Sala Aju, Sala means 传道人.

my church funded him to study theology to become a 传道人.

he dont know chinese, but he can speak some simple english.

our lovely kids, we teach them to make a card for their parent during children programs.

some of them are really creative. very very creative.

enjoying the beauty of our nature.

God's creation.

FOOD!

first of all, their rice are superb!! 

sooooooooooo nice to eat..

but a bit scared of rice already after the trip.

because we ate rice for all 3 meals, 4 days.. =p

second, PORK!

we have pork on the table for every meal,

breakfast, lunch, dinner. NEVER FAIL.

but their pork is very different from what we ate in KL.

texture are a lot more nicer from KL.

one of the nice food i had during visitation.

this is made of rice, have to dip into brown sugar before eating.

NICE!

oh this cup, a very small cup.

its made of bamboo, HANDMADE and SELFMADE.

my fav picture in this trip.

activities and interactions with kids.

first night, we went to a pasar malam to have dinner. 

to try their local food.

eating banana in the morning after quite time.

WOW, for this pic, i felt the coldness when i saw this pic.

that night was around 14 degree C.

its was very cold for us because we all are wearing normal light jacket.

worse thing is that wind blown the whole evening till mid night.

during the wind blow, the temp was below 10 degree C.

everyone is shaking, white smoke came out from our mouth whenever we try to talk.

their traditional fashion.

the thing that they wore on their heads,

minimum 2 kg, and normal weight is 5 kg each.

one of our program for fellowship, 

we teach them sing a song called 一根蜡烛。

so we prepared candles for everyone, 

to be lighten up when we sing.

song presentation, im the female soloist, the doctor beside me is the male soloist.

last group picture before we leave Bandoi.

Bangkok here I come.

Nice cloud.

this is the hotel where we stayed, the tallest building in Bangkok.

182 people stacking up = tower's height

inside the hotel has lots of things to play with.

Mr. McD in Sawadika motion, with a lot of sand pack behind to prevent flood.

yes, i had BR when i was in Bangkok,

79 Baht for 1 scoop, Monday special free 1 scoop Vanilla.

50% of all the things that i have shopped.

most of it from NaRaYa, the shop is really nice, looks like those handbag shop in Pavilion.

i spent hundreds there. OPS!

Ok, i am sleepy already.

tomorrow i will continue to blog about the people i have met in this trip.